Side Notes: Mirrors
In the first one I talk about my obsession to look thin. In the second I talk about how what I look like in the mirror doesnt define who I am. This time, I’m going to talk about what it’s like to live without a mirror. Well, almost.
At my current home, I have one mirror: it is horizontal and at eye level. Kind of strange when you think about it, as most homes have a mirror in the bathroom that you can at least view the top half of your body. Not mine, this cabin was built in the early 1900′s! We have a mirror that they put in just recently and only fit horizontal.
At first I thought nothing of it. I wouldn’t really be able to look at myself in an entire outfit, but that’s alright. As long as I could see my hair and make sure there was nothing in my teeth, I was good to go.
Then there were those few bad days. The ones where I wanted to look on the mirror and wanted to judge and criticize every square inch of my body. I wanted to berate myself and just give myself my own swift kick in the ass for some outrageous amount of sweets I had just or recently eaten. But no, that action can’t happen.
At first I was flabbergasted: how am I going to be able to see how I look? How am I going to know if I look good in my bikini? How am I going to know if I look skinny enough (gah, I can’t believe I just said that! I HATE THAT PHRASE!!!!!!)? It was an adjustment for sure, but it made me move away from those old sentiments.
Now, without that mirror to snark on myself, I could focus on how I felt, or how I thought I looked. I have always believed that if you thought you believed you looked one way, then your demeanor would reveal that; ie you think you look good, nothing can stop you from feeling good when you go out.
It has helped me adjust to using my strength and clothes as a guide to how I feel. No more are my legs looking thin enough, but these pants are fitting rather well! I have been able to bring the focus away from the body dysmorphia that ruled for oh so many years. And believe me, it plain sucks!
Let me just say that it is such a relief. I now not only don’t have a scale number to bring me down if I let myself step on it, but neither can a mirror. It has nothing on who I really, truly am! Now it’s more of a, for example, how great a run was. Last night for example. I was a tad, jiggly if I can use that correctly, and not feeling 100%. I went for a run, planning on it just being kind of non chalant and a calorie burner to be honest (not something I’m proud of), but it ended up being awesome! I ran some amazing splits (8:40/8:13/8:21/7:55/7:40/7:35) and by the time I got home I wasn’t focused on how many calories I had run, but that I was so speedy and felt awesome! No longer did I want to look into the mirror and see how I looked! It was all about how strong I felt!
It has been another learning experience out here in the wilderness…as it always seems to be. Like how to avoid chiggers? Haha…I kid, kind of.
How long have any of you stepped away from the mirror? I dare you to try it for a week, and see how your focus changes. I would say I’d join you on the challenge, but I already am!