Side Note: New Realization
(FYI I have been keeping this post for a while as I’ve been terrified for posting it and being insensitive…I hope no one feels this way!)
I just wanted to let you guys all in on how I’m doing these days, recovery and all. I know I have a lot of readers out there who like to hear about how everything is going to help them with their recovery.
Things have been going great as of late! The move to my new home up near Santa Cruz has been great and I am really loving my job. I have been here almost a month and I can’t believe how fast time is flying by! Eating here has been an adjustment of course, working all sorts of different hours with different types of work (sometimes we sit all day, sometimes we hike all day). I have been able to eat everything that I want and have been enjoying everything for the most part (and when I say most part, I mean that I’m loving eating everything, unfortunately my insides are not so happy. Boo).
There isn’t much to say about my eating really other than there has been absolutely no restricting. Don’t get me wrong though, there has been some emotional eating. But the only difference now is that when I eat emotionally, I don’t kick myself over it. I just make myself realize that it’s happened, make note of it, and move on as quickly as possible. It means there has been no restricting because of it, no over-exercising or guilty thoughts. I have been able to see how my body is reacting to various stimulus and working on providing it with what it needs (which now a days is mostly sleep. It takes me forever to get used to new places to sleep. Ugh).
I have been thinking about something a lot lately though, and aren’t quite sure what to think of it, because not for a second have I thought this in…well, never.
I went about two weeks without seeing Whit, adjusting to my new home and taking in some exciting runs throughout the forest, all the while watching my body change. I have noticed that without really having a regimented workout schedule or diet that I have been losing weight. I have no idea how much I weigh now compared to when I left my parents a month ago, but I’m sure it’s less.
Back in the day I would have jumped for joy over this realization. Losing weight without really working to do it?! Score! Nope, not today my friends. Now, I am worried.
Am I getting too skinny? Am I losing too much weight? I feel like it’s a stupid question to even ask…? I feel like I am providing my body with what it needs to succeed with my everyday activities, but is it enough?
Years ago I would have told you that attracting a guy was all about being skinny. And my definition of skinny was just a bit skinnier than those Victoria’s Secret models. I worked endlessly with diet and exercise to try and achieve that kind of physique and of course never got there (I simply don’t have the genes for it!). I thought back years ago when I was 100lbs at 5’6″ that I was still too fat and ugly to be loved by a guy (Thank goodness I don’t think like that anymore).
Now, I am worried about losing my butt. My hips. My boobs. I am worried about looking like a stick, having too many bones sticking out and dealing with that nagging pain in my butt where there isn’t enough fat to sit on. I am worried that if I am too up and down and not curved that my appeal will be lost. I don’t want to be this skinny again! I am now aware of how much Whit likes a lady, well, me, with some padding!
Am I crazy? I am surprised that I have turned to these thoughts because well, I never thought I would have them? This might seem like a juvenile or insensitive thing to think about, believing that I’m too skinny and wondering why when so many are trying so hard to lose weight. Believe me, I am thinking about all of you and hoping you all the best. I am sincerely sorry if I have offended anyone, obviously! But I’m just wondering…I thought I had met a happy medium with myself about how I looked only to be worried about how I look again, in the opposite direction as I have for the past ten years.
This probably seems totally scrambled and lame, but…idk. It’s just been sitting and kicking me in the back of my head for the past week…