Side Notes: Sometimes, It Happens
I explained in my last Side Note about how freeing I have felt recently not worrying about food all the time. I have kept it up and it has been awesome, but like everyone, I have my off days. Lately when these come, I’m able to rationalize the thoughts and re-evaluate how I’m feeling; how I’m REALLY feeling.
Almost two years with Rena helped me learn about really listening to myself, not just the physical signals for hunger but also to my emotions, because sometimes aren’t just for feeling, but to explain some overwhelming problem that might be occurring.
I have learned over the years how my emotional eating was a way for me to escape from something that might have been bothering me. Stressed out about a long day? Lets push that emotion aside and mask it by numbing myself entirely with the consumption of food. And then lets proceed to feel guilty about eating all that food, making the next day that much harder because all I want to do is negate whatever I ate.
If that were to happen today, I would imagine how else to deal with the looming long hours. Maybe, go to bed an hour or so early. Get some coffee in the morning for just in case, as driving long hours through certain environments can be exhausting. Pack an energy packed lunch to make sure I don’t feel fatigued from all the hiking. Bring lots of water and focus on fueling my body the way it needs to function properly. If all else fails, find a rest stop and take a cat nap to make sure nothing bad happens.
Sometimes these emotions can just get too overwhelming, as they have been the past few weeks. I won’t go into much detail about the problem specifically, but it’s been rather difficult. The unknowns and hard decisions are starting to weigh down on me, and without the support or reaching out that I’ve needed, I turned to food. I ate a “tad” (hah, understatement) more chocolate than was probably healthy for me. Sugar was basically in everything. I wasn’t feeling numb like I usually would though, but I also wasn’t feeling any guilt. It was an interesting turn of events and truthfully I had a hard time dealing with it. Instead I really started to feel the physical effects of the way I was eating: I felt lethargic, bloated, oily, and just overall not like I would like my body to feel.
I had some tendencies to worry about my body, especially when I did my weekly weigh in and for the first time since I’ve returned home from Peru, saw the scale go up instead of down (I have been letting my body adjust how it wants and guiding it with patience, don’t get me wrong. There are no eating disordered/anorexic behaviors going on here). I hadn’t felt that kind of, how do I put it, dread, in a very long time. I was surprised by it and really did not like it.
So what better than to fight it, right? It’s hard when you’ve already gotten in the groove of it without really knowing it, but there is always a fight to fight. I had to fight in order to win back the relaxation and ease with which I’ve let myself have in the past few months. To me it’s not about starting over on Monday when the new week starts, as it seems many do, but about the next second after that emotion comes to the front. There is nothing like confronting it head on and dealing with it. Yeah, it sucks and it’s hard, but that means things will only get better from there, right?
They have to if you’re trying. I have found that when I’m willing to listen, everything is so.much.easier. No joke. Keeping everything inside has never done me any good and talking with friends, family, you guys, always makes things so much happier, easier to deal with, or passable. This too, shall pass.
So sometimes even when I think things are going so well, things can get hard. But all I’ve got to do is remember how great it is without all that mess…so much better.