Side Notes: Having Let Myself Go
I have been avoiding this subject for a while. I have been trying my hardest not to let it get to me, then flat out ignoring it thinking it would go away, but it’s just not working. It has been weighing me down and making me not enjoy, well, me and my time where I am.
I told myself when I left Peru that I was not going to let my eating disorder hold me back. I felt like I was in a really good place and that I was going to able to truly enjoy the places I would go, people I would meet and things I would eat. And for a while I did.
(Dinner in Lima, Peru)
I enjoyed the cultural foods of Peru, the ever available pastries and desserts, and endless hours of work just sitting and staring off into the distance waiting for birds.
Unfortunately, all this time of no working out (yes, I was hiking almost everyday, but evidently it wasn’t enough) with consistency and eating like I normally do, took it’s toll on my body, making me extremely frustrated, anxious and unhappy.
My clothes, most of them, are now not as comfortable they used to be. Lingering emotions of my eating disorder have taken over and attacked all that I have worked so hard for in the past two years with my counselor. Throughout all of this, especially the guilt, I kept reminding myself that it wasn’t so bad, that I’m only in Peru for how long and who knows if I’ll come back, and that when I return home I’ll go back to my normal ways of eating and exercise. But it’s not enough apparently, because the now is what is bothering me the most, and I feel helpless.
It’s been a hard road to battle here, away from my family, friends and Whit, whom I usually confide in about these things. I didn’t discuss it in length with any of my co-workers here because I truly believed it wasn’t going to be a problem and it just wasn’t something I wanted discuss with them (I often feel like when I discuss these things with new people they end up feeling sorry for me, pity, or that I’m messed up, which I don’t want) so I kept it to myself for almost three months.
Well, that backfired. I’m in a pretty stressed out state over it, and afraid of being judged for how my body has changed since I left the states. I’m sure you all know how that goes, you go away or don’t see certain people for a while and then when you do, they always have something to say about how you look, good or bad. I may be able to put on a brave face in the mean time, but it’s hard to deal with as soon as I can take it down.
I’m not sure how things are going to play out. I keep talking about how when I get home “I’m going on a detox, going to eat as clean as ever, and make a workout that just might kill me,” which coming from someone with an eating disorder, though mostly recovered, could spark danger for the future and ongoing recovery. I’m trying my hardest to keep a level head about it and work on the now, eating as clean as possible with what I have and where I am, but it’s hard when you have to eat out two times out of three during the day.
(Lunch of black bean taco and dinner of lentil soup and salad with a shared chocolate cake and Bannofi Pie on Sunday)
I keep telling myself too that I should cut back on the sweets and desserts but when I’m constantly with friends who are enjoying it, it’s hard. That and I feel like I’m addicted to sugar now since it’s all I want once I start eating it! That’s a hard thing to work on when you’re on vacation!
I guess this is a venting post, but if you have any encouraging words as you always have through the past few years of my recovery, you know I’d love you all even more than I already do. I want to bounce back from this and stay strong! I don’t want to let my ED win!