I figure i haven’t done a Side Note in a while and there are lots of things to update you on in regards to my recovery, good things of course!
I’m happy to announce that i believe i have beat this thing to the extent that it doesn’t dictate more than five percent of my life anymore, on a daily basis. Why do i say five percent? I truly believe that no one recovers fully from an eating disorder and that it will always remain in the back of my head, but as an afterthought and not one to control my life.
I have been through some up and downs lately as i was uprooting my life to move to Palm Springs this spring and then suddenly taking a job in foreign country to do something I’ve never done before. But looking back on it all, if i had still been sick, i would not be in Peru right now. I would have been too afraid of the unknown for my body, too afraid of what and how much i would eat, how i would be able to eexercise, and so on and so forth. It would have been such a challenge that i would have chickened out. Yet here i am, one day and an eight hour bus ride away from living in the jungle for two months, where weather will be unpredictable, insects will want to bite the life out of me, showers will be rare, birds will be surrounding my every action, and everything will be, EXCITING and NEW. I can’t wait to get started.
How else do i know I’m in a better place mentally? Every way i think and make decisions now is different. For instance, over the past few days i have come down with a gnarly case of travelers “d”, if you get my drift. In the past, my sick and twisted mind would have taken advantage of the fact that my body was rejecting food, i could limit my calories and lose a few pounds. But not this time. I was cautious with what i ate, when i ate it and how much, but not in the sense of restricting. I was super worried about my health and how my body was going to fight this off. I may have lived off of bread and eggs for a few days, but with my options it was the best i could do to help out my insides and feel better. And as i started to feel better, i incorporated more to help build my bodies strength and make me feel better that i was truly helping myself. I know I’ve been feeling better too because i actually want chocolate again! Haha, because the times i say no to chocolate, you know there is something wrong!
I had a spur of the moment meeting with my counselor before i left and she was almost speechless and so proud of me for the decisions I had made over the past three months in regards to my life, well being and health. When i told her i up and quit my job because it was making me so sick and i wasn’t enjoying it, for a no paying job in a foreign country she was very impressed. She reminded me to look at this as showing how much i had grown and was more worried about me and what would make me happy. She reminded me that most people would have contemplated the decision for a long time, especially taking the money factor into account as a huge loss. But i was more worried about how my health was taking a huge hit, along with my happiness for just a job with money. I told her straight up that to me, the money isn’t worth it one bit, which was why it was so easy for me to decide to volunteer and not get paid this summer.
I think this strength to do what is best for me has come from recovering from my eating disorder, because otherwise the focus would be elsewhere.
So off to the jungle of the Amazon I go, the unknown is all that lies ahead, and I’m more than willing to embrace it!