Over the past 4+ years since I started this little blog, I have made some drastic changes, have gone through amazing adventures and become part of a community that I never thought I’d integrate into. It has been an experience completely worth while for sure, but some things just have to change.
I have been contemplating this for months, worrying about what people would think, how many friends I would lose, how it would affect me at home being alone most of the time, and so many more things. I’ve been tugging at two different ends of a string to figure out where to go.
As much as I love blogging, my heart is not into it. I used to blog every day without fail, posting about the foods that I ate and how my day went. I moved onto other things like fundraising, training for a marathon, Birding Thursday, environmental awareness and other things that I thought would help me connect with people. I was hoping to use the blog to make people more aware of the environment and how they could support it and stop destroying it, but I kept getting shot down and it hurt. It broke my heart more and more every time I got an email telling me birds were stupid and that my job wasn’t anything to be considered real employment or important.
I have kept much of this on the down-low because I really love all the connections that I have made here. I love all the good things that I get out of the blog, but the negative things are really starting to pull me away. Everyday that I find something that I want to talk about I fear the responses that I’ll get.
As far as recovery goes, the biggest and greatest thing I have been trying to tackle this year is getting over the body dysmorphia and it has not been going well at all. I know I have used my Side Notes to let out my emotions about those matters but even those are getting thrown in the mud. Everything has been welling up inside but with no where to go but my counselor…and then at this point I don’t talk to her anymore because I moved away.
So where does this leave me? I truly don’t know. I may show up here and there, or not. I may just disappear forever. Sometimes I think that no one will even notice that I wasn’t posting any more and really I can’t blame them because the blog feels so, lame. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore…
For now, I’m going on a prolonged hiatus…Maybe I’ll come back, maybe I won’t. Hopefully I’ll come back, but we’ll see.
So, I’m off to try and heal things…myself, the environment, etc.