Side Notes: Restaurant Bail
[[This spiral has been going on for days, I think. In the beginning I thought I was going to be able to handle it, the bit of anxiety creeping into my brain that I couldn't seem to kick. But today it hit me full tilt, knocking me down for all it's worth.
One thing that I've been able to deal with better is going out to eat. With my current job, this happens on many occasions and usually I'm happy to partake. There are so many places out there for me to try now and so many places in that past that I skipped out on because of my ED that I regret. Today got the best of me though; I literally bailed about 10 minutes before I was supposed to leave.
I can think of a thousand reasons why I thought I shouldn't go out. I can make a laundry list and believe that each and every one of those reasons is correct, but are they really? Should any of them keep me from going out, enjoying some good food and great company? Probably not. Going through them and rationalizing the reasons always helps, but sometimes I feel like it's useless. For instance: I did not do an Insanity, or any other workout today. I got very littler exercise beyond walking about 500ft around a small wheat field for work. All this comprehends into me feeling lazy, therefore not being able to afford going out to eat those kinds of calories. A little much? Yes, I believe so. There is always something called a balanced diet that I can't seem to believe I'll be able to follow...
There are so many others, such as I ate out last night. I'm afraid that I'll be judged. Eating out this often and the foods I choose with contradict all the hard work I've been doing with my workouts. And of course the usual, it will make me fat (I laugh out loud reading that and believing I thought that)...
So much of my anxiety about eating out, and other things I struggle with, comes with control. If one things has be spun out of control, it proceeds to spin other things out of control, and then everything around me seems to be out of my grasp that all I can do is push back and away. I dive back into my little hole of comfort, the voice that tells me that I don't deserve these things because I can't get my shit straight, and stay there for far longer that I should ever have to.
I absolutely despise it when these things happen. I hate knowing that my ED is still there and that I can't be strong enough to fight it off. I want to be better than it, free of it's horrible grasp and really, thoroughly enjoy my life...But I guess all I can do is continue fighting right? Maybe one day I'll get close enough to feeling like it's not there that I won't even worry about it reeling it's nasty head...some day. ]]