[[Side Notes: Seems Never Ending
Just when I'm starting to think I'm doing so much better, it's like I take a fall and just can't get back up. Maybe it's a side affect of feeling sick so much the past week with my digestive system, but it's frustrating and exhausting.
I'm going to Kauai again in 11 days; kind of my last hurrah with Whit before I have to move away from him to a very new town. I mentioned that I did some spring cleaning the other weekend by going through all my clothes and giving away a bunch of things I didn't need/wear anymore. In that pile, on a whim, I added in a big bag of bikinis that I've accumulated over the past few years. I decided to donate them because they're getting stretched out and just not my style or colors of bikini anymore.
So while in town this weekend I figured it a good opportunity to hit up the stores to try and find a new bathing suit. I figured I would go for something that could take a beating, as in I'm going to be falling off of a surf board frequently so I don't want anything peaking out, but not cost me too much. I picked out a few different varieties and headed to the fitting room.
I think for me, trying on bathing suits is like when you have a cold: You don't remember them being so miserable until you get them again. I went in optimistic because I have been watching, or what I thought, my body change in a good way, ie building muscle and getting stronger, over the past few months since I had to put running on the back burner. I don't have a scale and haven't used a measuring tape on anything because it can be triggering during all this strength training/bootcamps, so I have had no definite verification for change other than my eyes (bah, they always lie anyhow, in bad ways).
Well, as soon as I put on the suit that I thought would fit well, it was HORRIBLE. I immediately felt overwhelmed with guilt. I was beyond myself that I looked like this in this bathing suit. I immediately took it off trying to convince myself that it was just an unflattering style. I went with my go to style for the bottom and couldn't help but feel the tears in my eyes. It was like everything in my body had changed like I thought, but in EVERY WRONG WAY POSSIBLE.
Even though I was on the verge of tears, I was so frustrated because I couldn't understand why I couldn't see myself how everyone else saw me. I went to Kauai 5 months ago, assumingly the same shape and size, and had no gripe whatsoever with what I looked like. but now? I was so anxious, so frustrated, so appalled at how everything had changed. I am so scared to be seen in a bathing suit again.
15 minutes and done. Or at least I'm trying. ]]