Side Notes: Seems Never Ending

[[Side Notes: Seems Never Ending

Just when I'm starting to think I'm doing so much better, it's like I take a fall and just can't get back up.  Maybe it's a side affect of feeling sick so much the past week with my digestive system, but it's frustrating and exhausting.

I'm going to Kauai again in 11 days; kind of my last hurrah with Whit before I have to move away from him to a very new town.  I mentioned that I did some spring cleaning the other weekend by going through all my clothes and giving away a bunch of things I didn't need/wear anymore.  In that pile, on a whim, I added in a big bag of bikinis that I've accumulated over the past few years.  I decided to donate them because they're getting stretched out and just not my style or colors of bikini anymore.

So while in town this weekend I figured it a good opportunity to hit up the stores to try and find a new bathing suit.  I figured I would go for something that could take a beating, as in I'm going to be falling off of a surf board frequently so I don't want anything peaking out, but not cost me too much.  I picked out a few different varieties and headed to the fitting room.

I think for me, trying on bathing suits is like when you have a cold: You don't remember them being so miserable until you get them again.  I went in optimistic because I have been watching, or what I thought, my body change in a good way, ie building muscle and getting stronger, over the past few months since I had to put running on the back burner.  I don't have a scale and haven't used a measuring tape on anything because it can be triggering during all this strength training/bootcamps, so I have had no definite verification for change other than my eyes (bah, they always lie anyhow, in bad ways).

Well, as soon as I put on the suit that I thought would fit well, it was HORRIBLE.  I immediately felt overwhelmed with guilt.  I was beyond myself that I looked like this in this bathing suit.  I immediately took it off trying to convince myself that it was just an unflattering style.  I went with my go to style for the bottom and couldn't help but feel the tears in my eyes.  It was like everything in my body had changed like I thought, but in EVERY WRONG WAY POSSIBLE.

Even though I was on the verge of tears, I was so frustrated because I couldn't understand why I couldn't see myself how everyone else saw me.  I went to Kauai 5 months ago, assumingly the same shape and size, and had no gripe whatsoever with what I looked like.  but now?  I was so anxious, so frustrated, so appalled at how everything had changed.  I am so scared to be seen in a bathing suit again.

AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

15 minutes and done.  Or at least I'm trying.  ]]

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8 Responses to Side Notes: Seems Never Ending

  1. Maggie says:

    *HUGS*

  2. You are an amazing and beautiful woman! Love you!

  3. Amy says:

    Oh darling Melissa. Please don’t get down on yourself, I know from experience that this is more easily said than done. You are a gorgeous person inside and out. You have dedicated your career to helping the environment. You deserve to see that you are a beautiful person. Honestly, it took me until last year to wear a bikini on the beach and not care about other people. For me it was a celebration of two things; 1) I was finally comfortable in my own body after losing some unhealthy weight brought on by depression and overeating, 2) I own myself, my flaws both internal and external are merely the threads that weave me together. No, this does not mean that I am always happy with what I see in the mirror and goodness knows that I have more than my fair share of ‘those days’ but now I take a deep breath (my version of 15 minutes I suppose) and think yes, people can see the cottage cheese like texture of my thighs, but I know that these legs have run a half marathon, I know that they carry me along the beach so that I can feel the waves and I know that they keep me dancing all night long.
    Don’t feel down on yourself my friend, focus on the fact that you are amazing, and the only people who look good in bikinis all the time are supermodels, and even they don’t feel comfortable all the time either. You deserve an AWESOME time on your holiday. Let yourself have it!

  4. Sarah says:

    Girl I totally understand how this goes. I have no good advice to offer except that we all have been through that awful moment in the fitting room. The truth is, your eyes are deceiving you, and you are your harshest critic. But even hearing that over and over again won’t help if you don’t believe it, I know.

  5. M says:

    It is so hard to objectively see yourself…I think this is why we get so hooked on numbers. A number seems objective and you can convince yourself that if the scale or measuring tape says the magic number you can ignore your eyes and brain, when really we need to retrain ourselves to see without judgement. I know you look great, I have seen the photos. I wish saying that helped, but it probably won’t because the problem is not how you look. It is how you see and how you feel.
    A couple of things that bring down the anxiety factor for me: before going shopping run around at your house in your underwear and get used to seeing yourself half naked in a safe place. Sometimes just seeing all that skin is overwhelming, especially in winter when we’re bundled all the time. Be goofy. I find that I take myself so seriously, like trying on bathing suits is an exam I am about to fail. It’s not. It’s just something to wear so your lady parts don’t show. Make jokes to yourself, mock the styles/patterns that are ridiculous, think about Zoolander commanded to dance like a monkey.
    Then go take a yoga class to remind yourself that your body is this amazing hunk of flesh working hard for you every day.
    Meditation

  6. Biz says:

    I wish you could borrow my eyes for a while – you are a beautiful, athletic woman and you will rock any bathing suit you put on your body – trust me everyone will see you like I do!

    Hugs!

    Biz

  7. Oh gosh can I relate to this Melissa. One day I will be perfectly fine- Mary Freakin Sunshine, lalalala everything is great! And then the very next day, or even just a few hours later, I am in a blah mood again.. hating the way I look, feeling guilty about my food intake, feeling too “fat” and all of that lovely stuff (sarcasm). What I remember during the tough times is that the bad feeling will pass and also to look back on the progress that has been made is a huge motivation factor. Overall, you have done amazing these last few years, and I believe the ED will always be there… but it will just get smaller and smaller as the years progress. You just have to keep fighting, we both do
    You are amazing and gorgeous Melissa, never ever forget that <3

  8. oh hunni a bathing suit try on is pretty darn traumatic! i completely understand where you are coming from, but maybe you can try to figure out what is behind the negative body feelings…perhaps you are nervous for the move? almost always it isnt about our bodies or the food, but the “underlying issue” I am here if you need support hun. you are fabulously beautiful. I wish you could see that <3

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