Side Notes: Dysmorphia
I am making this year about my eating disorder, in a good way. I have gone through so many steps of recover since starting to see my counselor in the summer of 2010 that I know I can kick the last part of my ED that persists and has kept me from achieving everything I know I can. That one part that lingers and makes easy things so much harder than they should be: Body Dysmorphia.
What is Body Dysmorphic disorder? The Mayo Clinic defines it as:
“Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can’t stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don’t want to be seen by anyone. Body dysmorphic disorder has sometimes been called “imagined ugliness.””
I have spent the past 8 years of my disease dealing with this, which was ultimately what got the whole thing started. To this day, I cannot look in the mirror without picking out some sort of flaw and letting it belittle me to no end. I cannot put on a nice shirt, dress, shorts, pants, you name it, and seeing some way in which my body makes it looks bad. Most of the time I can’t say I look pretty or feel beautiful and really, that just makes me sad.
I have written about this before, constantly checking things in the mirror, and as much as it comes and goes with certain events, it never seems to go away. I would love to say that it has gotten better, but I have seen the signs of its return and can feel myself falling back into it’s whacked out games. I actually had the gall to say to Whit’s face that I looked FAT. Yeah, I said it, and as soon as I said it, I couldn’t believe it, since it’s been YEARS.
I mean, I go through moments during the month when my body is adjusting to certain things and gets more bloated than I’m comfortable with, but since I now know it’s temporary (there’s my fighting the irrational thoughts) and will go away within a few days of lots of water and just trying to relax. But the feeling isn’t going away. It’s lingering and breaking down walls I’ve created throughout the years to keep it out.
(“You are looking at the person most responsible for your safety“)
A lot of the time these feelings reemerge when I’m uncomfortable with something. Lately, it’s been the aspect of recovering from an injury and starting to run again, though afraid I am going to get hurt, but also the fact that I’m moving away in 2 short months for a 6 month job with potentially nothing to do thereafter. In the past this hasn’t bothered me at all because I thrived on moving around, but after putting down roots and getting a cat to take care of (and no, I will never give her up!), I think it’s starting to leave me on edge. I don’t know, but I’m trying hard to find out what is making me feel this way and banishing it in the only way it knows how to reveal itself, through my ED.
Fighting this thing always feels like a losing game. I can take so many steps in a better direction and then some part of it crawls out and makes it so hard to make any progress. Every time I slip up I become afraid to talk about it because I feel ashamed that it’s not gone yet and burdening the people I talk to about it have to hear about it, again. It’s extremely frustrating and exhausting, but that’s the only way I’m going to get through it, right? By fighting and talking about it? I think so.
So in 2012, I’m going to fight harder than ever. It’s going to be more difficult than any other year because as far as I’ve come along with the help of my counselor, soon I will be living 8 hours away from her and without her guidance. But I believe the things she has taught me in almost the past two years will help me get through it all. Feeling like I can’t do it won’t get me anywhere, staying positive will keep my spirits high and determined to one day say that I no longer only see flaws when I look at my body in the mirror, that I feel pretty, and that I’m beautiful.
You go girl. Give your negative thoughts a run for their money. Both literally and figuratively. You pour so much love and effort into this blog and your career, and it makes it so clear how strong you are and how all of these attributes come together into something truly unique and impactful in the world. You have all the strength of your readers and your spirit behind you. You got this in 2012
I’ve found that the things we often need to do/overcome the most are also the most challenging. No doubt, this journey of overcoming these negative thoughts will be a tough one. But the amazing thing is that you’re bright and open and AWARE. Think of those who never reach this point. Cognition is the starting point. Every thing after is pure will power and determination. I believe in you, and we’re all cheering you on.
Melissa, you are a gorgeous person, inside and out. I know I have told you before, things get better. I have felt what you are describing, and things got better. That’s why I always say that the older I get, the happier I get. Virtual hug!
I definitely think it’s achievable to overcome the dysmorphia. Moving to Australia 4 years ago definitely triggered something in me and made some old habits and thoughts come flooding back, so I think your assessment that the current changes in your life are triggering this are probably accurate. Once I decided to really focus on ridding myself of the last vestiges of my eating disorder, I found that I could let go of almost all of it. I’m not sure I will ever be 100% ‘normal’, but for now I would say I am the best I can hope to be. I think it’s great, too, that you will have all of these years of blog posts to reflect on. I know that one of the hardest parts is to recognise how far you’ve come, but whenever you forget, you’ll be able to watch yourself grow through the blog. Here’s to a 2012 full of progress!
Good luck with dealing with the negative thoughts. I can understand how you feel, because I can be the same way with being short. I feel like if I gain even a pound, it’s blatently obvious because I’m right at 5’0″. And as for what you said to Whit, my husband has to put up with a lot of mine, and it does get worse when major life changes occur (got pretty bad when I was planning for my wedding last year).
I hope the move goes well for you. You never know where life may lead you and you might find some really good opportunities 8 hours away and possibly with a different counselor or dealing with yours long-distance. Either way, just take it one day at a time, you have people there for you to help
.
You are an incredible and beautiful human being, and I look forward to the day that you can look in the mirror and immediately see that. You deserve to see that… and feel it, too. I commend you for how far you’ve come and I will be just one of many supporting you as you continue to flourish. xo
Great post/introduction to a crappy aspect of recovery. I hope the body image part comes together soon for you. I know even for those who are in recovery that don’t suffer from dysmorphia, body image takes a while to catch up. For me, I put on more weight than I thought I needed to, but it turns out it was more weight than Ed thought I needed. My body image is finally starting to catch up to things, but it’s not been a quick process. BEST OF LUCK.
It sounds like you’re in a strong place! I hope there are resources where you’re headed if you need them…but it sounds like you might be ready to soar!
Moving is HARD as is working seasonal/temporary jobs. While I can’t offer any advice/experience from an ED perspective, I can say that moving and not knowing how long I would have work have affected me in very similar ways. In general we aren’t a species that thrives on change, even if we like to think otherwise.
Sending you some big hugs. I’m here if you need/want to talk. Oh! Here’s something you’ll geek out on with me…there are Snowy Owls hanging about Nebraska right now and I saw one yesterday!! Lifer Snowy Owl siting! Woot!! So. Awesome.
Great post! Happy New Year! Good luck with moving – what a stressful time. Keep thinking positive and reaching out to the blogging community. Everyone is here and understands exactly what you are going though.
Wish we could grab coffee or a run together!
I’m in a position now where I’m underweight and unable to exercise (because my body is worn to the core out)…but I’m binging at night…like on a LOT of calories and on “bad” stuff (chocolate, cookies, etc etc…) I feel HORRIBLE because I wake up bloated and can’t exercise…but can’t restrict or the cycle with perpetuate…i feel i need a freaking detox. I’m so constipated…sorry TMI
Oh Mel, I wish I could just wave a magic wand around you to fix your way of thinking – you are so beautiful!! Sending big hugs your way – let me know if you are coming to Chicago to meet up with Mara!
I am so sorry that you are dealing with ED and the difficulty of recovery. I honestly think that recovery is 80000 times harder than living with your ED because you have to deal with all those negative issues that you’ve been avoiding. Do you think you can find a counselor in the where will you will be moving to? Therapy is such an important of recovery. And I know you feel like a burden but your friends and family just want you to be healthy and happy! If you need a job afterwards, there are tons of GIS jobs in the DC area if you don’t mind being a desk jockey.
I’m hoping to find someone to go and see when I move in a few months because I’m noticing even now that being up there alone without any friends is going to be very hard for me, just like it was almost two years ago when I first got to where I am now. I do hope I can find one though, because my recovery is very important to me and I just want to be happy and without all those negative thoughts floating around in my head!
If there is a job in DC that would have me at a desk doing GIS half the week and out in the field the rest then I’m all for it, haha! I had a desk job about 4 years ago and as nice as the $$ was…I hated being inside! I’m an outdoorsy girl all the way!
Gawd, I wish I could find that job. Unfortunately I’m a 24/7 desk jockey. And the majority of my work is defense mapping. But there are jobs that do more wildlife/climate mapping. I spent college mapping wetlands for the US Fish and Wildlife but that was a desk job too.
And for some reason if you do end up in DC there is a pretty good HLB network and we could always do a blogger meetup. I know that isolation and lonliness really perpetuates ED behaviors so I think being close to friends/family is a must!!
I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. It’s a disease of the mind and the only way to get rid of it is to address it head on. Take responsibility for yourself, your habits, your thoughts, your pain. Remember – they are NOT your thoughts. NOT. They are ED’s thoughts – and as soon as you hear them, tell him to F**k off. I can’t really relate to you in that I have BED, definitely not anorexia, but I know it’s so much easier for me to say the above than to actually do it. No matter how sick I make myself during the night and swear I’ll never do it again…it happens again. It’s the scariest and most-defeating thing in the world. Worst, it makes you hate yourself. And when you hate yourself…how can you ever be expected to accept that you can change? It seems like you have a wonderful and blessed life though – I don’t think you hate yourself. So, remember, you are not your body. Some people get in accidents and can never walk or run or see or hear again…can you imagine? I can’t but those people are the ones who know real pain and loss.