[[Side Notes: Hard Habits to Break
I've already admitted that I'm guilty of still calorie counting that isn't helping me at all in my recovery, but I also have another action that isn't helping either: Time.
In my context of time, I'm talking about the actual time of day, or how much time has passed between eating. When I was in college I had to eat at certain times and if I missed it, there was no going back and I had to wait until later. These days I try my hardest to eat when my stomach starts to growl and is really hungry, but work gets in the way and I have to wait an hour, or two, or three. It all depends.
Now this might not sound like a horrible thing, that life sometimes gets in the way and you can't eat necessarily when you're hungry, but my thoughts take a turn with that: it's like I've fended off the hunger beast, past through more hours of the day without eating, and could potentially eat that much less food because I've staved off so much time between meals.
Does that make any sense at all? Anyhow, there is a pride when you have anorexia, about how long you can go without eating. It means that you have control, and means that you have passed that much more time without eating, so maybe you can make it to the next meal without having eaten another snack before the next meal.
It's silly really, but it has been happening way too much the past few weeks and has backfired on me. Back in the day I could have felt fine eating food hours after I originally started getting hungry, but now a days, I'll eat when I finally get the chance, believe that it means I'm going to eat less calories for the day, but then I'm no ravenous that I can't stop eating, overeat and then feel guilty.
It's a horrible cycle, but it's what happens. I tell myself after it happens every time that maybe I should get a snack in in the morning instead of waiting so many hours when I can't eat and then I'll feel better after I eat lunch. But my mind gets the best of me with that absurd pride and again, the cycle continues...
I'm trying to figure out some mantras to get through those periods, tell myself that I will better off eating that snack, but then another voice pops in: What if you eat that snack, then do eat your normal lunch with a normal appetite and STILL overeat (evidently because you're anxious about it)!? You've failed in two parts then...
Ugg...so frustrating... ]]