[[Side Notes: Portia de Rossi Book
Where do I even begin with this book? I am all over the place with how I feel about this book. But let me back track on something a bit.
My goal for Biz’s Holiday Challenge was to enjoy myself more and not feel guilty about the things I eat or do. I went to Kauai with a strong hold on this goal, and as hard as it was when I first got there, by the time I left I felt so free and worthy of the things that I have. I felt so much better about my body, my life, my self esteem and so much more. I was hoping it would continue after I got home and it did, but not for more than a day, when I started reading Portia de Rossi’s book, Unbearable Lightness.
I have heard from so many people, recovered and not, about how great this book is. I have been scoping it out for a while, but didn’t want to spent the almost $30 for the hardback version that’s only available. When Whit got me a Kindle for my birthday, I knew I could get the book for cheap so I finally purchased it and started reading it on the way home from Kauai.
At first I found it to be like a fiction book, nothing too provoking or completely gripping. But as I progressed through the book in the past three days, I found myself in what felt like I was reading my diaries from so many years ago. It was like an ugly flashback of past behaviors and was completely overwhelming.
As I realized all the things in the book that were so similar to what I had done in the past…I also felt myself starting to think back to those days…and feel those emotions again. I suddenly remembered all the foods I put on my “Bad Foods” list and avoided like the plague. I remember the constant movement, the bitterness of everything feeling cold, and pure exhaustion.
But as I started to feel those emotions again, I also felt them coming into action. It took me a while to see it, and one thing set me off on this bad path from a reminder in the book: a banana. When I was in the depth of my ED I never EVER ate a banana. It was like the fruit of the devil, even though they were one of my favorites and could eat everyday. For the past few days, I’ve had 5 bananas sitting on the counter, wanting to eat them, but feeling like I couldn’t. I’ve hated the feeling, but can’t seem to make myself grab one.
It’s driving me absolutely crazy.
I’ve never been triggered by a book like this before, and believe me when I say that I have read so so many so similar to it. After realizing how it made me feel, I immediately stopped reading it. I knew that if I continued, it was going to bring back too many feelings and put me in a very very bad place. But I think the worst feeling of all, was the feeling of failure that came with realizing all the numbers and calories and exercising and …everything really. It made me feel so low.
I’ve got a very crazy work week ahead of me this week and the next, causing a serious amount of stress and sleep deprivation, so I can’t let this kind of thing keep me from being strong and doing my job. But it suddenly seems so hard…
Did you read Unbearable Lightness? What did you think? I’m very torn about finishing the book…