True Test

[[Side Notes: True Test of my Growing Body Confidence

Almost two months ago I wrote about Muffin Tops, in two different contexts: I had just made two different kind of muffins and that I was worried about having a muffin top when I headed off to Kauai on April 30.


It’s been almost two months since I wrote that post.  I bought a one piece bathing suit and was pushing myself to run and work out even more.  Then, I had a moment, and it’s been all uphill from there.

I’m happy to say that truthfully, I’ve given very little thinking/dwelling on the fact that in 5 (hopefully fast and) short days I will be in Kauai where it’s 90*F and I’m surrounded by beaches and blue skies.  Back in February I was terrified about going to the beach with Whit, having to run around in a swim suit and well, almost baring it all.  I was determined to find enough board shorts and camis to cover everything up and try to stay sane with the circumstances.

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Not anymore.  I’ve been so busy working the past few days that I’ve had little time to worry.  I had a bit of a glitch when I first injured my ankle the other week, but that came in went as I kept up with other things and ended my personal pity party.  It was a relief that I didn’t let myself resort back to my old ways and well, be miserable in the end because really, when would I have ever been happy or satisfied with what I saw?

I just keep telling myself, “The bikini will not determine how much fun you’re going to have.  It will not make surfing a horrible experience, it will not make beach going an embarrassment, it will not make food look forbidden or unacceptable for your body.  Who knows when you’ll ever go back.”

I never thought I was going to feel this way about going to Kauai. I truthfully thought I was going to be just as nervous and anxious about this trip as I was in February when I bought my ticket.  I thought I was going to be body loathing and full of regret for all the times I just sat around on the couch.  I never would have thought that I might have actually taken another step in recovery, one so much bigger than any other I’ve had.  One that is making such a difference that I’m even having a hard time putting it to words right now!

I just know it came, it’s here, and it’s gonna stay.

But I guess the real test will come when I get to Kauai, put that bikini on and walk onto the beach.  I’m believing now that I’ll be fine.

We’ll see.  Fingers crossed.  All of them.  Even my toes.  Hahaha!  ]]


I spent the afternoon catching up on all the Easter posts from this weekend, along with a 40 min full body ST session on my living room floor, all with a sweet balancing act as Honey won’t stop rubbing against my legs.  It was interesting. I might have bonked her a few times with my feet coming down from different moves.  Move kitty!

I was hungry after I finished and slammed down this salad faster than I could say EAT! I had a big leafy salad with spinach, tomatoes, cucumber, carrot, butternut squash and a veggie burger. There were some crackers eaten on the side but they made the picture look bleh.

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Now it’s time for bed!  I’m exhausted!!!  Geez!  How did the weekend go by so fast without be getting enough sleep!?  Yikes!

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13 Responses to True Test

  1. CH says:

    I think it's pretty awesome that you are already getting confident for the trip! That is impressive I know you'll look great, but that isn't the point — the point is that you BELIEVE you look great).

    Can't wait to read about it!

  2. Sara MM says:

    That's amazing! Just remember that the disordered thoughts only prevent from living & enjoying life to full capacity!
    & even if you feel anxious when you get into your swimsuit, take a deep breathe, look out onto the beautiful sea & soak in your surroundings & think to yourself "it's not worth worrying"- I guarantee you'll relax as you get into the swing of just enjoying your holiday :)

    Massive envy though- that picture looks like a dream! x

  3. Katy says:

    Girl, you work that bikini no matter what!!!!!! So pleased that your mind has done a 180. That's one hot bikini ;)


  4. says:

    I love this post! Congrats on the mental turn around. You're going to rock that bikini!

  5. Emma says:

    I know that you will look gorgeous in that bikini. And I hope you will feel gorgeous too! I have worries about wearing bikinis this summer- before ED I had so much fun rocking them- so I hope this summer will be no exception. I don't want to feel self concious and be held back.
    I hope you had a wonderful Easter!

  6. fittingitallin says:

    So glad you're feeling better about the trip! You're gonna look smokin' so don't even worry about it:) Have a blast!!

  7. Joanna says:

    Kudos for staying strong love! You're awesome and inspiring! You're going to enjoy yourself and we can wait to hear about it all!!

  8. Natalie says:

    you've got this girl! you have the right attitude going in and i'm confident you can maintain it! Just keep loving yourself and speaking positively to yourself! You're right–this is an opportunity to ENJOY LIFE and I hope you get to do that! :)

  9. lindsey says:

    It is amazing to read about you taking every little step towards recovery. Thank you for being so truthful and inspiring.

  10. Gabriela says:

    I think every woman has some bikini insecurity! Honestly, it's way easier to have confidence fully clothed, than when you're almost naked. But the truth is that, like most things, it's mostly in your head. I'm glad you're already digging up the confidence to rock that bikini- because you totally can :) You're going to have so much fun!

  11. ~ Diana ~ says:

    can't believe we both are gonna be in hawaii within weeks of each other. I'm battling that body thing as we speak. I ordered a ton of tankinis..part of me wants to say f*ck it and get a bikini…what do you think? Both of us be strong together? You are gonna have an amazing crazy romantic time!

  12. Kaitlin With Honey says:

    You don't even need to cross your fingers. I have total confidence that you'll be having so much fun soaking up the sun, vacationing, and spending time with Whit that you won't even give your bikini a second thought. :)

  13. Krista says:

    You'll be having so much fun you won't even remember that you have a bikini on! It'll be GREAT!!!

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