So Many Things!

First off, WINNING!  Who gets some Endangered Species Chocolate?!

Haley from Green Plate Dinners!!!

Congrats girl! Shoot me an email (trying[dot]to[dot]heal[at]gmail[dot]com) and I’ll send that package off, maybe with an extra something too!

Secondly, dudddddddddddddddde…where is my appetite?  I am craving absolutely nothing, making meals very hard to pack for the field.  Goodness.

Ok, I lied, I did want another smoothie this morning, but I’m out of frozen fruit.  That doesn’t work well.  I know I could have used the only banana I had left but I didn’t have enough almond milk.  Geez.  I ended up finishing off my cheerios, added a banana with a bit of TJ’s Almond Vanilla Granola and the last bit of USVAB. 

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Yeah, not exciting.

But then I made it more fun, with a few of my oatmeal cookies.  Oh yeah. 7am ain’t got nothin on me.

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At least this was absolutely GORGEOUS!!!

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These views never get old for me…

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Evidence the snow it melting

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I started to feel a bit odd later in the morning so I snacked on the carrots.  I didn’t eat the cucumber…it had sadly dried out.  How I didn’t notice that when packing it is beyond me.

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Just after that I was driving along to my next point when I started to feel absolutely horrible.  I had this pain in my belly that had me on the point of barfing when I realized I hadn’t really eaten anything in like, 5 hours.  Oops.  I quickly scarfed down my hummus veggies sandwich and an apple.

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And I knew that wasn’t going to do it.  I immediately grabbed one of my mini clif bars, but then realized that was probably not going to be enough either so I ate my favorite clif bar instead: white chocolate macadamia nut.

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Oh yeah baby.  Watching a hawk and snacking on that makes my life good…!

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Anyone know this kind of flower? I thought it was pretty!

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I got home and snacked on a pb chip banana muffin from last night before getting to the gym for my first run since the half.  That 4.15 miles flew by!  I don’t ever had the stats displayed so when I finally toggled over after some good songs I realized I was done!  I kept it at an easy pace as not to upset anything that still might be healing from Sunday!  Still in disbelief over that time!

I got home and did about 10 min of strength training before my flower bearing boyfriend walked through the door…with TJ’s of course. Haha. But no joke, today I was thinking, “I wish Whit would surprise me with some flowers.  I’d really like that.”  Lo and behold…I don’t have a picture of them for you thought because they haven’t bloomed…daffodils to come!

In his bag of TJ’s goodies was the base for our dinner tonight: Pizza!

As much as I really wanted a smoothie, I thought I’d wait till morning and have some veggies to fill my quota for the day.  We used a garlic and herb crust, which I spread marinara sauce on, then topped with chopped tomatoes, broccoli, onions, artichoke hearts and vegan sausages.

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I had four squares!  Guess that run made me a bit more hungry than I thought…

Of course dinner was another baked good (Blackberry Chocolate Chip Bread)…you’d think I’d be sick of these breads/muffins but I’m not.  I like that I make them with whole ingredients and not too much sweetener!  Natural is the way to go!

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And third, a Side Note:

[[Side Notes: Jinx’d: What Guilt?

See, I was afraid this was going to happen.  I even explained this to my counselor but she reassured me that I was moving in the right direction and wouldn’t just be a phase.  I’m the only one that can make it not a phase.

And so I did.

I was tired today when I woke up.  I knew it was going to be a long day with plans changing all over the place and things going differently than planned.  Add to it that I haven’t had an appetite of anything really in the past 3-4 weeks and I’m frustrated. 

A lot.

I ate breakfast this morning and finished disappointed.  I was no where near satisfied but didn’t really have much else to choose from.  That’s why those oatmeal cookies came into the picture.  I thought the chocolate might help at least make my taste buds happy but instead it pulled forth this other feeling of….yep, GUILT.

I immediately recognized it and fought it. I knew why I was focusing on that (reasons listed above) plus not working out the day before (which I reasoned through also; I mean hello self, you ran your best 1/2 marathon to date just two days before! REST WOMAN!).  I made myself stand and breath for a minute, brush my teeth to get the lingering emotions out of me (ie chocolate taste in my mouth; crazy right?) and head out to work.

I focused on the things that I knew could lift my spirits.  I counted some great birds and admired the blooming colors all around me. How could I not.  (Remember that picture from the top of my last night? It’s so big and vibrant I could see it almost 100 miles away!!)

By the time lunch came around and my body was feeling horrible, I knew I needed the food but didn’t want to eat it.  Something inside of me was mad, but I knew it wasn’t me.  I ate that sandwich and apple and knew it was too light.  I actually grabbed a mini clif bar originally thinking that was enough, but immediately recognized my behavior in the works (mini = less calories).

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I even took the picture because I really thought I was going to have it.  I instantly chucked it into the back of the jeep and rummaged around for the other clif bar, the one I wanted and the one I knew was going to be better for my ever-so-lacking-energy body and mind.

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After I finished that bar I felt so much more at ease. I knew I had beaten the guilty monster.  I knew I had.  There was still a wee part of me that was trying to convince myself otherwise but I didn’t let it.  I fueled myself properly and moved on.

Guilt is only present and persistent if you let yourself dwell on it.  Or let it come about when other things are bothering you.  There is no need for it in our lives.

I have better things to think about other than feeling the need to feel bad about something I’ve eaten and therefore have to do something about that eaten something.

Not this time.  ]]

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14 Responses to So Many Things!

  1. Katy says:

    Associating guilt with food is one of the hardest things to stop when it comes to an eating disorder. I'm so amazed at how hard you're working to let go of the eating disorder once and for all. So inspiring!!!


  2. mymarblerye says:

    did Whit know you were craving pizza the other day on Twitter? Anyways, what a sweet boyfriend! It looks like things are going so well for you two! And guilt is a damn huge monster I want to kick the sH*t out of…it reared it's ugly head lately when I saw some photos of myself…feel like I should have lost a ton of weight for my wedding. :( Either way I'm gonna be strong like YOU.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I have found your blog very helpful in overcoming some of the more insidious and embedded thought patterns of my ED.
    I am also a wildlife field biologist, if you can believe it! The plant looks like paintbrush, one of the many Castilleja spp.

  4. Krista says:

    Way to to, Melissa! I'm so glad you went for the bigger bar to fuel yourself….even though you had trepiditions about it…

  5. Susan says:

    Way to go! Your honesty AND your strength are a huge inspiration.

    I fight daily with the guilt monster as well, but it's usually about school/future/work stuff. Oh and "good daughter" stuff. Wow, I sound like a blast! Haha.

    Anyways, I think the first step in dealing with guilt is not letting them dictate our actions. It's harder to change our thoughts, but easier to change our behaviors. So I totally get what you are saying here!

    Have a great day Melissa!

  6. Susan says:

    Way to go! Your honesty AND your strength are a huge inspiration.

    I fight daily with the guilt monster as well, but it's usually about school/future/work stuff. Oh and "good daughter" stuff. Wow, I sound like a blast! Haha.

    Anyways, I think the first step in dealing with guilt is not letting them dictate our actions. It's harder to change our thoughts, but easier to change our behaviors. So I totally get what you are saying here!

    Have a great day Melissa!

  7. fittingitallin says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I just put up a post on letting eating disorder thought slip back in. But what is important is that we recognize it and BEAT it!

  8. Missy says:

    How's Veganism treating you so far? Have you seen the post over at Gena's Choosing Raw blog?

    Very good discussion going on.

  9. Magdalena says:

    Good for you Melissa…good on you to recognize and name your feelings of guilt and fight back. And belated congrats on PRing at the half!! That's awesome! Way to go you. :)

    And I agree with Anon. That mystery flower looks like Indian paintbrush. It's their time of year to start blooming. They and the bluebonnets kick of the flower season in Texas every year (I spent one spring/summer chasing songbirds around Ft. Hood Army Base and the flowers were amazing). They're lovely aren't they?

  10. Katy (The Singing Runner) says:

    Goof for you Melissa! You are absolutely an inspiration to me.

    Recently I have been experiencing a LOT of food guilt- almost to the level where it was over the summer at the height of my ED. It's scaring me, but I am trying my best to fight it!

  11. Diet Coke and a Lemon says:

    ok, dumb question. I'm new to the blog world. But I want to follow your blog and can't figure out how. I clicked follow, and subscribe. But you aren't coming up in the blogs I follow when you have updates.

  12. Amy says:

    I actually need to say thank you for this post. I actually had a bit of guilt today after my workout — and really just needed to properly fuel myself; which is sometimes a lot easier said than done.
    I am glad you fought your feelings because you are completely right … There is no need for it in our lives
    So, again, I say THANKS.

  13. Freya says:

    Woaah – one of the last lines about guilt – amazing! That hit a chord with me :)

  14. Emma says:

    I'm so glad that you were able to actively fight your quilt and choose the thing to eat that was better for your body, NOT for your ED's comfort. Way to go girl!

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