[[Side Note: I Shock Myself
Lately there have been too many moments of self loathing, wishing things I can’t have or achieve and seeing only the worst. These are the seconds, minutes, and hours when I find things to remind me how far I’ve become, how much stronger I am and really, how much of life I now see instead of missing out on…
So I went home after the FB Fest picking up some scrapbooks I’ve worked on over the past few years. I still amaze myself when I look over old photos of the crazy stuff I’ve done over the years. But behind the adventures, I can see the torture I was going through all at the same time, and remember how I never want to go back there, EVER AGAIN.
Warning: I am sharing photos of myself at the worst of my ED. Be warned this can trigger and I do not want to hinder anyone’s recovery.
There are not a lot of pictures of me when I was sick. I avoided cameras like the plague so much of my disease went undocumented picture wise. Literally, I have books and journals filled with writing on frustration, anxiety and guilt. It’s wild the roller coaster I rode on.
It took me 3 months to drop to a weight I will never ever let myself get to again. Freshman year of college was a disaster because of this:
I may look all smiles on the outside, but on the inside I’m worrying about something…all the time.
A part of me is ashamed that I had ever let myself get that weak and sad and resort to such horrible tactics.
Anyhow, I scrambled upon my old scrapbook that covers my trip to Maui in the summer of 2004 to visit my old college roommate, Dana. It was the first time I had every been to the Hawaiian Islands and was super excited. I was going to learn how to surf too! Yet I was in a very bad place at this time. I cringe at the mere sight of myself.
I look at these pictures now and see how skinny I was that I could have snapped like a twig. Yet I remember every moment thinking that I was fat, miserable and ugly. That I couldn’t eat, needed to run and torture myself. God knows I wasn’t, yet couldn’t convince my warped mind otherwise.
Dana, my roommate and confident at the time, was and is still one of my best girlfriends ever. I have talked with her about my issues since they first began, and she has been there through it with me for every step that I have gone through. We talked about my recovery before I went on this trip and tried to make it something I could enjoy, experience and food wise, as much as possible. There were triggers here and there with comments from her friends and family about how I looked, but I took them with stride knowing I needed to get better.
She made me experience the trip of a lifetime. A local showing me all the back roads and hidden spots most tourists never get to see. Yet as look at those pictures, I realize how much I held back and didn’t take the adventure for all it was worth. I was too worried the entire time…
Flash forward to now and yes, I’m still struggling every time I go out on an adventure. Foodbuzz was hard, along with my town’s Wine and Food Festival, the weekend of Healthy Living Summit and moving to Florida for the second time earlier this year.
But I can see how much I’ve fought against the bad antics I had during my time in Maui. It helps me reassure myself that I’m still growing, still working hard and still making the sacrifices and steps to get better…]]