I Shock Myself

[[Side Note: I Shock Myself

Lately there have been too many moments of self loathing, wishing things I can’t have or achieve and seeing only the worst.  These are the seconds, minutes, and hours when I find things to remind me how far I’ve become, how much stronger I am and really, how much of life I now see instead of missing out on…

So I went home after the FB Fest picking up some scrapbooks I’ve worked on over the past few years.  I still amaze myself when I look over old photos of the crazy stuff I’ve done over the years.  But behind the adventures, I can see the torture I was going through all at the same time, and remember how I never want to go back there, EVER AGAIN.

Warning: I am sharing photos of myself at the worst of my ED.  Be warned this can trigger and I do not want to hinder anyone’s recovery.

There are not a lot of pictures of me when I was sick.  I avoided cameras like the plague so much of my disease went undocumented picture wise.  Literally, I have books and journals filled with writing on frustration, anxiety and guilt.  It’s wild the roller coaster I rode on.

It took me 3 months to drop to a weight I will never ever let myself get to again.  Freshman year of college was a disaster because of this:

thegirls

Michelles Visit 006

I may look all smiles on the outside, but on the inside I’m worrying about something…all the time.

A part of me is ashamed that I had ever let myself get that weak and sad and resort to such horrible tactics.

Anyhow, I scrambled upon my old scrapbook that covers my trip to Maui in the summer of 2004 to visit my old college roommate, Dana.  It was the first time I had every been to the Hawaiian Islands and was super excited.  I was going to learn how to surf too!  Yet I was in a very bad place at this time.  I cringe at the mere sight of myself.

airport

sidenote 002

I look at these pictures now and see how skinny I was that I could have snapped like a twig.  Yet I remember every moment thinking that I was fat, miserable and ugly.  That I couldn’t eat, needed to run and torture myself.  God knows I wasn’t, yet couldn’t convince my warped mind otherwise.

sidenote 003

Dana, my roommate and confident at the time, was and is still one of my best girlfriends ever.  I have talked with her about my issues since they first began, and she has been there through it with me for every step that I have gone through. We talked about my recovery before I went on this trip and tried to make it something I could enjoy, experience and food wise, as much as possible.  There were triggers here and there with comments from her friends and family about how I looked, but I took them with stride knowing I needed to get better.

1005230084

She made me experience the trip of a lifetime.  A local showing me all the back roads and hidden spots most tourists never get to see.  Yet as look at those pictures, I realize how much I held back and didn’t take the adventure for all it was worth.  I was too worried the entire time…

Flash forward to now and yes, I’m still struggling every time I go out on an adventure.  Foodbuzz was hard, along with my town’s Wine and Food Festival, the weekend of Healthy Living Summit and moving to Florida for the second time earlier this year.

But I can see how much I’ve fought against the bad antics I had during my time in Maui. It helps me reassure myself that I’m still growing, still working hard and still making the sacrifices and steps to get better…]]

This entry was posted in Side Notes and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to I Shock Myself

  1. Biochemista says:

    You are doing great girl. As long as your open and honest with yourself about your feelings then you are making significant progress :)

    Keep it up chica!

    PS..It was great meet you at Foodbuzz!

  2. VeggieGirl says:

    You've come a long way, dear Melissa, and I know I'M proud! :)))

  3. Shelby says:

    Gosh, I can't believe how far you've come and how strong you are today. I am so proud of you and all that you've accomplished! (:

    Thanks for the comment on my latest post, made my day! xo

  4. StyLinStaR53 says:

    I've been a silent reader for quite a while now, but after reading this last post, I felt compelled to comment. I, myself, have been actively suffering from anorexia, and know first hand what it is like to be at the bottom, and then to experience the feelings that come with recovery, both positive and negative. I must say, I admire you for your strength and your ability to challenge yourself, such as with attending the Foodbuzz festival. Reading your blog is inspirational to me, and I often look to it to place my own self and thoughts into perspective. I commend you for your bravery and perserverence and look forward to reading much more of your journey!

  5. Katy says:

    I can relate to you so much where you appear healthy on the outside but the mind is still struggling with thoughts and emotions.

    I'm amazed at your transformation! Even though you still have issues to deal with mentally, you now look so strong and you honestly glow. You look so so beautiful and I really mean that!

    I love this post! I can most definitely see full recovery in your future :)
    xxx

  6. Katie says:

    I could have wrote this! You rock and give me hope that I will get there. ED is so isolating and I know I don't look sick, but I go to bed crying at night because I am so stressed and miss the comfort that I think the ED had. But then I remember how I ruined some of the best times of my life w/ the ED keep your head up you are stronger and yes it's a struggle (trust me I haven't gone out of my way to get out of my comfort zone in 2 years), but it's so worth it! So proud of you!

  7. greensk8r says:

    I'm so proud of you girl. You have come so far. I'm glad that you can see those pictures and regret that–that takes a really strong person. You rock girl and am so proud of you. Keep goin' strong, my friend. :) My blog is always open;)
    http://greensk8r-fireandice.blogspot.com
    I'd LOVE to have you as one of my followers!! ;)

  8. Anonymous says:

    Melissa,
    I feel very lost. I love this post. But I'm currently struggling. The trouble is that I've lost all of my ability to exercise. Its been over 2 years now. Jogging and cardio are laborious. I can barely jog for 5 minutes and so I stop.
    How do I deal with gaining when I don't have that mental release? And did you ever have very bad bowel problems at your worst? I don't understand my body any longer.

  9. Lisa @ I'm an Okie says:

    You have truly come so far. Hopefully I get to meet you someday!

  10. Mara @ What's For Dinner? says:

    You're so brave to have posted those photos, and you have come SO FAR!!! Love you!

  11. sophia says:

    Wow, Melissa. It's so hard to connect that emaciated image with the healthy, happy, glowing individual you were that I saw at the foodbuzz festival. Thank you for sharing your story…my admiration is growing.

  12. mymarblerye says:

    honestly, while reading foodbuzz recaps I was thinking about you and how you were handling it. I'm happy that you have whit in your life but i know it's going to be a struggle for the rest of your life. I'm glad you see how unhealthy you look back then cause that's a sign that you are getting BETTER. Even though I'm having a blast buying wedding attire, I hate my body when I look in the mirror still. :(

  13. Megan D says:

    Thank you for sharing. You should be so proud of yourself for coming such a long way!

  14. Anonymous says:

    For the record; U look perfect the way u r now and I wouldn't want u to change anything! U know your in better shape than me, especially running and u have to be in order to wake up soooo early for work :)

    All your friends look up to u and know that u have come a long way and I will always be there if u need me.

    Your beautiful babe!!!

    ~Whit

  15. Krista says:

    You have come so far girl! I know you still struggle, but you look SO healthy now…and I bet you feel better physically, too. (((HUGS)))

  16. Kaitlin With Honey says:

    It's really inspiring to see how far you've come with all of this. Your honest and openness is something to admire.

    The first thing I noticed about you at Foodbuzz is that you literally seem to glow. I'm glad you're recognizing your beauty in your healthier state, even though it may be difficult at times.

Leave a Reply