Expect the Unexpected

So, I was supposed to go home yesterday for the weekend for a doctors appointment and family reunion…but that didn’t happen.  Instead, this did:

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An awesome wall of rain, thunder and lightning.

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Did I mention the FLASH FLOOD WARNING throughout the desert that erupted just as I was driving out of the madness?

Yes, that had me turning around and going back home to my poor Honey would had never been through a thunder and lightning storm in her tiny-herein-lived-life and actually, as much as i was confident in the program I set for my AC while I was going to be gone this weekend for her, I underestimated how hot it’s going to be…high 90’s!  Yikes!

Anyhow, sorry to have not been present the past few days as I’ve been going through an emotional roller coaster with my eating and the anxiety of my upcoming annual appointment (which I had to cancel because of the weather keeping me out of town).  I’ll go into more of that in the bit.

To keep you on edge, how about some tasty eats that I’m actually proud of from the past few days?

Wednesday morning I decided to try some Greek Yogurt again.  I’d been eating it for a while but noticed that I was getting bloated/gassy and uncomfortable whenever I ate it.  I took some time away from it to see if it would help and actually bought some single serving Plain Dannon Greek Yogurt (to try for the first time) instead of big containers without having the worry it would spoil (I buy the bigger containers because it saves money and packaging materials, which I hope keeps me more environmentally friendly).

Alas, this worked out pretty well.  (I almost wonder if I let the big container GY sit too long and it might have been slowly going bad, making me feel sick…thoughts?)  I mixed on container with some cinnamon and added in lots of strawberries and blueberries, along with a serving of PB Panda Puffs.

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I spent most of the day stuck in the car driving around to points we needed to set up for bird surveys.  I’m going to be doing some surveys in the mountains which I’m super excited about, as it’s a nice change in scenery and allows me to see something other than just desert dwellers! I mean, look at this landscape!

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How gorgeous is that? And to add to the mountains, think fields, meadows and WILD HORSES. They were stunning standing out in the meadow all deep black and graceful…I can’t wait to get some shots of them!

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Lunch was simple and filled with freshness!  Veggies in a sandwich with hummus, laughing cow cheese and an apple.

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I had a raspberry chocolate oatmeal bar for a snack on the drive home.

I had therapy that afternoon to talk about the upcoming weekend that now isn’t happening, but now I can at least work a bit more on getting ready for it.

I was famished by the time I got home and as much as I wanted to bake my italian spiced panko breaded tofu it was way too freak’n hot!  So I grilled them on the stovetop…totally not the consistency I like for tofu, but yeah.  I sided it with some carrots and ketchup, and some fresh fruit.

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That’s when the night spiraled in a horrible direction…lets just say intuitive eating was thrown out the door and anxiety took the front seat…as much as I hated the situation, that it occurred and some tears were shed, I made sure to start the next day on a right foot (I totally typed food! hah!).

But even though I tried to start the day off right by listening to my body, it was having none of it.  My belly was upset the entire morning and when I did finally decide to have my-night-before-made-and-frozen-protein-smoothie along with a mixed berry oatmeal bar something was wrong.  My belly got even worse…which doesn’t help with all the bouncing around I do driving in the mountains/desert.  Bah.  But I think the ultimate culprit in the smoothie was my Almond Breeze…I think it had gone bad and resulted in mayhem in the belly.  Boo.

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The smoothie was a great consistency though when I finally ate it!  I mixed together:

  • banana
  • raspberries
  • Jay Robb Strawberry Whey Protein
  • .5C USVAB
  • huge handful of spinach

I made it the night before and froze it, then had it in my lunch cooler until mid morning when it was thawed out just enough to be like soft serve!  I need to get my hands on some xantham gum to start revving up the consistency of my smoothie!

I didn’t eat much else throughout the day except for an apple, some cantaloupe and some Kashi TLC Crackers in hopes of it settling my tummy.

I went for a short walk in the afternoon before setting on some easy eats for dinner including an egg, laughing cow, tomato and spinach wrap with some fruit.

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Like i said, I tried to head out to home last night but that didn’t happen, so I’m staying in this weekend to catch up on some much needed blogging, reading, baking, running…and anything else I want!  Sky’s the limit for me this weekend!

I was feeling a bit better belly wise this morning but kept it simple just to be safe.  Another smoothie in the mix, but sans the protein powder and instead PB for protein!

In the mix:

  • 1/2 C frozen chopped cherries
  • 1/2 frozen banana
  • 1/2C water
  • 1/2C small ice cubes
  • big handful of spinach
  • 1T PB
  • 3/4C Kashi Honey Sunshine

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Seriously need to get my hands on that gum.  Would have made this smoothie so much better.

Off to…err…do what I want!

[[Side Note: Weighing In

As part of my recovery from my ED I have banned the existence of a scale from my residence (seeing as how it changes so often anyhow!).  This has helped me out a lot because I can stay away from focusing so much on numbers, which has always been a big problem for me in the past (which includes counting calories and sizes on clothes).

Anyhow, I have had some deep and building anxiety for my upcoming annual appointment.  The appointment itself (although never very fun) is not what bothers me the most, but when I first get there and have to weigh in.  I don’t want to know what I weigh and know full well I can ask to be weighed backwards and never be told what it was, but it has been hard for me to do every single year since I developed my ED.

But as far as knowing the number on the scale being hard to tackle, it’s the comments I get from the nurses every year I go in.  I know they go through an insane number of patients every day and throughout the year so they can’t really remember everyone individually, which is where the hard part comes in for me as EVERY YEAR the nurse who weighs me makes a comment.  I know full well that my weight is up since I was there last year and every year since 03’ when I was sick and weighed much less than I do now so it’s hard for me to hear them say, “Looks like you’re up a bit from when we last saw you!” 

And the best part?  These women are never in a good mood, EVER.  They are always very harsh but I try and take it with a grain of salt knowing that it is nothing personal, as hard as that can be to accept.

Anyhow, one part of me wishes that my appointment didn’t need to be cancelled so I can get it done and over with and quit worrying, but on the other hand gives me a bit more time to adjust to being strong enough to handle asking to be weighed backwards and not informed on the number, and if they make any sort of comment.  I’m working with my counselor on this so hopefully that will guide me in the right direction.

Do any of you have this problem at your doctor? Do you ask to be weighed backwards and not know the number?  How do you deal with it? (Though I would never want anyone to have this same problem ever!  It’s horribly exhausting!) ]]

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26 Responses to Expect the Unexpected

  1. mymarblerye says:

    girl…we must exchange numbers or something. I've been having anxiety and eating binges lately as well. I HATE HATE HATE getting weighed at the doctor…especially if my appt is at 4 in the afternoon after half a day of eating..it's gotten to the point where I tell them don't tell me the weight cause they DO comment. "Looking healthy"=got fat in my head. Enjoy your weekend..I'm gonna BREATHE and enjoy mine. Smile beautiful!

  2. Sara says:

    I went to the doctor last month when I injured my knee (I wrote about all of this on my blog, actually). The nurse weighed me and said something about how I don't look like I weigh that much. I guess she didn't realize that saying that was NOT a compliment. I weighed myself at home two days later; my scale was ten pounds less. Still not a number I'm happy with, and it still didn't make me feel better about her comment.or

  3. Maggie says:

    I'm with mymarblerye. I have been having these on and off for the last 2 years. I go in and out of phases with them but I have never gone a week without one. I can't believe it's that bad. I haven't been to the dr in a while so I haven't seen my number. It's up though.

  4. Katie says:

    Just politely and casually tell them you don't need to know the number and then look down or turn backwards. I went through exactly what you're going through and you're right–you don't need the scale so just tell them not to say it out loud and it will be over in a matter of seconds.

  5. Angela says:

    This is one part of my ED I can't let go. I weigh myself often, knowing my numbers gives me a sense of consistency. Plus its helped me realize that a number is just that – a number. Now when my weight fluctuates (which is normal) I don't freak out and go on an exercise binge or starve myself.

    But still, I definitely know you're pain. I've never been asked to be weighed backwards and as you pointed out nurses tend to be in a bad mood all the time. So anything they say I take with a grain of salt. Gena at Choosing Raw did a great post on how to deal with other's comments, here's the link: http://www.choosingraw.com/how-to-deal-with-unwanted-body-commentary/

  6. ktbwood says:

    blah- i know what you mean! I hate getting weighed- but i actually dont mind it if the number goes up, i just get SO stressed thinking that if i lost weight! Cause when i was super sick, i got weighed (had lost like 10 lbs in one week), and the doc immediently told me I was going to die. sooo now everytime i get weighed, i always have those terrible feelings pop up! ugh, i hate it!

  7. Lara (Thinspired) says:

    I am contemplating getting rid of my scale entirely. The doctor's office is a tricky situation. Can you just tell the nurse ahead of time that you do not want to know, and would appreciate her refraining from any commentary whatsoever because you're recovering from an ED? I think being straightforward like that would be best, and I'm sure they can respect that.
    Good luck <3

  8. Katie @ Health for the Whole Self says:

    Boy, can I relate to this! Awhile ago I used to get weighed backwards at the doctor's…and yet somehow either the nurse or the doctor herself would slip up and say the number anyway. Oh, my…

    I'm sorry that you're struggling with it, and unfortunately there isn't any real way to make the situation change. It just stinks that nurses can be so unsensitive.

    But on a positive note, it seems like you're very aware of the situation and how it can make you feel, so it sounds like you're in control, you know? It's one thing to be totally blindsided with comments like that. But since you're pretty much expecting it, you can hopefully do some extra self-care before and after to prevent too much anxiety building up.

  9. lizlivingvegan says:

    So much yummy food!!! Are those PB Panda Puffs similar to Peanut Butter Puffins? Because I LOVE PB Puffins… :)

  10. biz319 says:

    Sending big hugs your way – sorry you weren't able to get out of town, but you'll be stronger for it when you do.

    I once had a diabets doctor tell me to take 5 units of insulin at breakfast, 5 units of insulin at lunch and 4 units of insulin at dinner.

    I did that for a month and my blood sugar numbers were still in the 300's! (normal is around 100). I go back to see her and she's like "are you taking your insulin?"

    Luckily for me, she decided to go back to teaching and I love my new doctor now. Turns out I needed to take 5 units of insulin for every 5 grams of carbs I was eating – no wonder!

    I am happy to say that two years later, my 30 day blood sugar average is around 116.

    Hope you have a great weekend!

  11. Christina says:

    You may request not to be weighed at all.

    Weighing patients is an 'old school' thing. It isn't necessary unless you have other health problems and the doctor needs to closely monitor your weight.

  12. learningtocookeatandenjoydeliciousfood says:

    I totally understand how you feel about getting weighed at the doctors. I feel like the nurses just want to get in and out and get on with their days. It is so stressful for me, that I have told my doctor who I see monthly that I do not want to be weighed by the nurses and that I would rather have him do it. So when my doctor comes in, he weighs me standing backwards and makes no comment what so ever unless I have lost a large amount of weight. I dont know if that might help, but it works for me!! :)

  13. Anonymous says:

    Oh my gosh, I just went through this today. I had my dietician appointment as I'm in recovery for anorexia and I saw my weight and totally have been freaking out all day. I also banned the evil scale from home to recover but just the fact of knowing my weight is scary.
    Advice please, do u work with a dietician? If so what are ur thoughts on working with one thats totally recovered from an eating disorder as I'm wanting to change my dietician and I'm up in the air on this one.

  14. runsarah says:

    I would just provide the nurse or doctor with information about not wanting to know the number or any comment – I've had patients tell me that before quite often and it's not a big deal, and I respect their wishes. I hope your stomach feels better soon!

  15. Emily says:

    Great photos! Love nature.

    I love relaxing weekends to myself, too. Baking is so therapeutic, and I love that.

    Sorry that the weighing at the drs has been so unpleasant in the past. The nurses I have worked with are usually really sensitive about weights, but I do agree it's something that we need to emphasize more in the health care field.

  16. Jessica @ The Process of Healing says:

    So sorry you didn't get to go home, I know that must be so disappointing! But at least you have plenty at home to keep you busy.
    I've been having the same anxiety and over-eating this week too. It SUCKS. Especially when you feel like you can't stop it. It doesn't happen very often to me and I thought I was over this and the guilt that comes from it but here I am. So I completely understand. As for the weight, I don't know how much I weigh either. And I don't want to know. I don't turn around on the scale but I avoid looking. If I was you, i would just tell the nurse straight up that you don't want to know ANYTHING about your weight. Even though we all know that if it's up, it's good. It doesn't make you fat or overweight, it means you're healthy. Buuuut still, you're better off in the dark.
    Love you!

  17. Anonymous says:

    maybe this isn't the BEST advice but as someone who has recovered from an E.D., whenever i go to the doctor i just say i don't want to be weighed. i've tried the getting on backwards thing but there's always some comment that upsets me or i accidentally see the number. of course the nurse gets a little on edge when i say i'd rather not be weighed but they've never "made" me do it after i politely decline.

  18. annelies says:

    Beautiful photo of the "wall of rain and thunder and lightning barring your way home"!

    I got rid of a scale years ago because I placed too much emphasis on what it would tell me. Instead, I took to heart the Audrey Hepburn way of "weighing" herself. She had a pair of jeans she would put on and they were her fulcrum to figure out where she was at weight-wise. I'm sorry for the amount of anxiety and stress brought on when thinking about going to the doctor's. I think perhaps Lara's suggestion of talking to the nurse (if you're comfortable doing so) is a good one. I hope your weekend relaxes and centers you.

  19. Emilie says:

    this hit really close to home for me, especially since i went to the ladydoctor just last week.

    my situation is a little different because i am terrified of the scale. i don't want to know. i just don't. partially because i'm afraid to know (my mind will freak out before i can tell it to stop), and partially because i prefer to think about how i feel and how my clothes fit–which is really a better measure, considering (excuse me if this is gross) my weight can go up 5 pounds if i simply haven't had enough fiber in the past few days/am especially well hydrated.

    thus, i always just say "i don't want to know about my weight." i don't get weighed backwards because that feels too ED-ward for me; i just stare at my feet while the number is up there. i don't know if that's not realistic for you since you are more likely to peek, though i think doing that sends the message that i don't want to know the number, hear comments, etc etc? Maybe.

    Anyway, it is APPALLING to me that the nurse would say something like what you were describing. how does a medical professional know NOTHING about ED? does your doctor have comment cards or any way for you to talk to them about that? can you tell your doctor that you are dealing with an ED, and would appreciate it if the nurses…well…minded their own business? commenting on your weight is simply not their place.

    hang in there! I think you're one of the bravest, kindest, most inspiring women i know of. oh–and your cat is ADORABLE. animals are the best therapy, IMHO :).
    Emilie

  20. Meredith (Pursuing Balance) says:

    I start tearing up every time I get weighed at the doctor. I always just step on the scale backwards and tell the nurse that I'm in recovery from an ED and to please not tell me my weight. It's never been a problem, except one time in 9th grade when I hadn't known my weight for a long time . . . I told the nurse not to tell me, but then she was like "see, you only weigh xx lbs" and I burst into tears because it was more than 20 lbs more than before!!! She had no idea why I was crying. What a stupid woman. I should have complained to her supervisor. It really set me back.

  21. chasingcasey says:

    Panda Puffs are THE best!
    I love to just snack on them.
    So I have some fresh blackberries, would they work in making your blackberry bars? They look SO good and I really want to make them :)

  22. thelettinggo says:

    Hey Melissa, I just have a few ideas for you. Currently when I go to the doctor, I always tell the nurse that "I'm not supposed to know my weight." Every single time it has been respected without any comments. In the past I once asked for a post-it to be on the front of my chart saying not to tell me my weight. Then I never had to remind them. And lastly, I once had a therapist who told me that the sole purpose for getting weighed was for insurance reasons. She said they have to submit two things for your file and usually do weight and blood pressure. But they don't have to do weight. So perhaps you could just ask not to be weighed.

    I don't know if any of those ideas might work for you, but I thought I would put it out there :)

  23. Tess says:

    The food looks delicious! I hate everything about the doctor. Everything, the place the people, anything that could happen there. I have serious anxiety every time I go in! I always know it will be fine but it's no fun. Good luck, don't let the nurses get to you!

  24. Amanda - RunToTheFinish says:

    wow look at all of those amazingly wonderful for you eats! I think working out doors would be so good for the spirit.

    hmm i believe that all doctors scales are rigged to make women feel awful one way or another. so I do look, but i try not to care. it's about the whole picture and not one day on the scale, so i tell myself

  25. Krista says:

    I do hate getting on that scale, too. And the nurse at my doctor's office is a tiny little thing! I always feel like I should give her an explanation. Something like, "Um, I had a really big breakfast before I came in". How ric is that? Thank God it's only once a year.

  26. Danica's Daily says:

    Beautiful pictures – seriously!

    Oh and your eats ALWAYS look so good :)

    As far as your annual appointment, I was thinking I'd tell you to weigh in backwards, then, you typed that LOL. I know EXACTLY what you mean about people commenting – it drives me insane too.

    I know I am late in catching up on blogs, but, if you haven't gone, maybe you could politely comment to them that you don't want anything said about your change in weight? Just a thought….

    I know that your appointment is going to go great because you are doing GREAT!

    xoxo! Good luck (if you didn't already have it that is)!

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