Check In

[[Side Note: Mirror, Mirror: Check In
For a while it was getting so much better, I wasn’t checking the mirrors, windows, car reflections, anything.  Suddenly my life changed a little bit and everything went haywire.  I can’t go by anything that will provide a reflection without looking at it, and kicking my ass about what I see.
Sadly I’ve succumbed to really hating my body again, picking at all the little things I don’t think look right. I pick, pinch, prode and poke at all the parts of me that I wish would magically change over night to the way I want it.  I hate to admit it, but I found a picture of a girl in one of my magazines that looks like what I want to look at. And even though I know full well that I’ve obtained it before, it was not done in a healthy manner and I was tired, hungry and miserable all the time I did look like that. 
But I can’t get over wanting to look like that again, believing that it’s going to make my life oh so much better when really, the only reason I’m not happy with my life is because I’m simply not living it.  I’m not doing things because I’m waiting for that moment when I’m skinny enough and then I’ll be worth going/hanging out with, having fun with…and so much more. 
When I think about it, that day will never come.  I don’t know when I’ll ever believe my body to be ideal like I want it to be. And even if it does, will it make a difference in my life?  I may fit into smaller clothes, that will be full of color, warmth and beauty, but why not get those kinds of clothes now?  So what if they’re in a bigger size than what you want?  Does it make them any prettier?  Nope.
So I need to stop checking those mirrors, those reflections, because they don’t reflect WHO I AM, just what I look like.  And if it’s not what I want, I can healthily work on toning and rounding it up if it needs it…but I need to remember what it does for me, what it gives me, and how it keeps me living the way I’m living…
I’m going to start living.  It’s starting now.  It’s already started.  I’m joining clubs and meeting new people.  I’m going to go out on a social outing and talk to people my age… What are you doing to live up your life?! ]]
Quick run through of food photos because i need to finish my laundry and get to bed!  It’s going to be another hot one tomorrow (was 105 today!) and I need some serious rest!
Breakfast? Same ol’, same ol’…berries, peach, cereal, pb, bit of greek yogurt…
CA2010 003
8 miles in the heat means no appetite.  Lunch was some cucumbers and carrot sticks w/ hummus, some crackers and a plum.
By the time my body cooled down I was starving!!!  You can bet the heat made me want something cold and delicious!
blueberries, mango, usvab, cereal, pb…
CA2010 009
And a raspberry chocolate chip oatmeal bar to round it out…before an hour of strength training while watching Flyboys!  Oh my boy James Franco…drool.
Dinner? Leftovers from last night, but instead of mustard I used real cheese…omg it was delicious with the italian spices from the eggplant.
CA2010 010
Along with a bit of sweetness…
 CA2010 012
Of cherries and a peach donut…those things are delicious.
 CA2010 014
I went off to a Mountain Bird Meeting but no one showed up…lame.  How am I supposed to meet people if they don’t show up!
So I cam home to chat with my beautiful blogger friends and snack on some cinnamon puffins and chocolate chips.
nighty night now!

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20 Responses to Check In

  1. runsarah says:

    I definitely need to make an eggplant sandwich for dinner agin, they are so good on warm days! I also find when I'm in the sun I am not as hungry but once I cool down, my hunger ramps up.

  2. Katy B says:

    You are so very brave for being so honest about your body image struggles on your blog and I just want to commend you for it because being able to express your problems can be really relieving. It's like writing it down kind of takes the pressure off of you a bit.

    I just want to say that right now I'm recovering from a major ED relapse that resulted in me getting down to my lowest weight ever. It started when I joined a gym and I became obsessed and as I saw the numbers go down, I decreased my portions of food as well. I believed (even though I had already discovered that this was NOT the case before) that a low number on the scale would bring me happiness. OH HELL NO! What actually happened was that as the number decreased, so did my livlihood. I lost my social life, my friends, my concentration and most of all, I lost my health. As I wasn't feeding myself through my strenuous workouts properly, I have pretty much destroyed my heart and my joints and was almost admitted to hospital on the spot.

    Why did I do this?

    ..
    .

    Because I wanted to be thin.

    Now that I'm recovering, no longer exercising and eating so much more good food, I can see that I wasted so much time worrying about something that is so silly. Sadly, it was my only way I knew how to cope from things going on in my life but I know that there are much better ways to do that.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that two times now I have gotten far too skinny and both of those times it never brought me happiness. Not ever! And it's not like I didn't give myself a chance for my newfound skinniness to bring me happiness either. It just made me a miserable, horrible person who was afraid to do anything but go to the gym or exercise like crazy. There is so much more to life than having the "perfect" body. Now that I am gaining weight, I'm embracing it. Woman are supposed to have pudge here and there. We are supposed to have a little bump on our tummies. We are supposed to have a badoonk-a-doonk ;)

    Eating what I truely want these days brings me SOOO much more happiness than starving and overexercising ever did!!

    Don't ever go back there hun. You have far too much going for you to ever let that happen again. Just keep challenging your thoughts everyday. They are just thoughts and feelings. They can't hurt you :)

    Much love and stay strong!!!

    Katy
    xxx

  3. Mama Pea says:

    Wow, how do I follow Katy's amazing comment?

    I guess I will just tell you that today I had the opposite situation as you, and I wanted to tell the world about it (but I didn't). I actually appreciated and loved my body. I didn't focus on the imperfections, I admired the strength of my build, the uniqueness of MY shape and the beauty of the muscle I've worked hard to build. I tell you this not out of conceit, but because I've had many days just like yours…and so it felt amazing to know that I could even feel this way about myself.

    It's all about perspective, and I wish you could yourself from the perspective of others, because you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

    Love you!

  4. mymarblerye says:

    reading your post makes me cry. I see your strength through your words but the disease of ED always has this disgusting grasp on you. I feel disgusted by myself as well at times but sometimes you just have to WALK AWAY…from the mirror, from those thoughts, from that room…just WALK AWAY and call a friend asap.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for this post and your blog in general. I wish I could say anything that would make your struggles easier. All I can say is that reading about the way you feel some of the same things I feel and how you deal with those things head-on is such an inspiration.

  6. Krista says:

    Although it's been tough for ya, I can see that you're giving yourself a shake and allowing the feeligs to come through. I'm happy to hear that you have some social outings planned! I know that no matter how self concious I feel, once I get out with my friends I forget how I look and just have fun!

  7. *Andrea* says:

    "I’m waiting for that moment when I’m skinny enough and then I’ll be worth going/hanging out with, having fun with…and so much more"

    i can totally relate! it's such flawed thinking but i honestly used to believe that i'd be happier and more worthy of having 'cool' friends who want to party with me etc. because i'm prettier/aka skinnier.

    i think it's great that you're being so inquisitive into your thoughts and emotions right now, rather than ignoring them. today in yoga my instructor talked about PERSPECTIVE and i thought it was so interesting. to you, you may look fat, but to someone else out there you may look perfect. same goes with certain attitudes..you may look happy to someone else (like the girl in the magazine does to you) but be hurting deep down inside.

  8. peacebeme says:

    I like this post. When I am really struggling with comparing myself as I am now with what I COULD AND USED to be, I try to remind myself the same thing — I could look like that again, but I didn't feel well, ever…so is that really worth it? No.

    I feel like I need to LIVE my life too. I have a nerve disorder that prohibits me from doing a lot of things. I have a degree in Biology and for over a year and a half have wanted to get my nursing degree or go to pharmacy school. Last summer when I developed my nerve problems, I gave up on this dream for some reason. I was about to enter a business master's program this summer before deciding that I didn't want to sacrifice my dreams just because of my disability. I can still be a nurse or pharmacist with reasonable accomodations and I am going to apply to school. I am scared but I know I will always regret it if I don't do it. I am feeling better with medication and since the doctor's don't know what's wrong with me, I am not going to sit here anymore and wait for it to "go away"…I am going to LIVE MY LIFE. :)

    Sorry so long, your post inspired me to think a lot today I guess!

  9. findinghappinessandhealth says:

    wow, first of all, you have such amazing support on here it is unbelievable. These comments are so thoughtful & i hope you realize how many people out there care about you! second, i think you are amazing for having the courage to admit all of this. You know in your head you are better than your disorder, and i know you will overcome it. Stay strong and remember, you are not your weight. You have so many other amazing qualities & I can guarantee you are your own worst critic. love you!

  10. biz319 says:

    Sorry you are in such a funk – I wish there were something I could say that would just magically accept yourself as the beautiful person you are!

    But I am proud of you for starting to live your life – you are worth it and life is way too short to go in the slow lane – this is the time of your life to live it up!

    Hugs!

  11. J says:

    You speak my thoughts. I find myself yearning to look like the tiny , petit girls I see at work,school and the gym. But, I too felt tired, lethargic and sore when I was THAT tiny. I have to remind myself that I want to look strong…like and athlete or fitness model…not a runway model. I remember hating when people assumed I had a "problem" when they saw how tiny I was. I couldn't wait to get out of that kind of spotlight. I hate when my thoughts say, "At least that's better than where you are now" But, I am searching for a middle ground. I want chiseled arms and flat abs. But, I want to have as ass too. I don't want to lose my hair and my personality.

  12. melonshots says:

    thank you for this post… xo

  13. carolinebee.com says:

    Aw..just reading this post and comments make me love blogging even more than i already do. I think we know FULL well that ED's are not just "one and done", like a sickness that is "cured". Recovery is a journey and a process and it has ups and downs, and your honesty in sharing this is just amazing. You should be SO SO SO proud of yourself for how far you have come, and just the fact that you are able to live a successful, independent and full life- bc ED is out to destroy that and we won't let him :D!! LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!!
    xxoo

  14. Jessica @ The Process of Healing says:

    Aw girl!!! You inspired me to stop the mirror checking and I've been doing pretty good! I give in once in a while but it's nothing like it used to be. We all have our days. But yeah, life is TOO SHORT to spend our days wishing we looked this way and trying to perfect every little thing about ourselves. We need to go out and LIVE! I'm also trying to get out more, stand up for myself, and take risks!
    Love you!

  15. Maggie says:

    So hear you on this. I go in and out of constantly checking in and then looking at my body and liking what I see. Love everyone's comments.

  16. Trying To Heal says:

    Re: Katy B
    I am so proud of you for realizing what was happening and doing something about it to make sure it didn't get any worse! It strengthens me to see we can realize how "being thin" is not going to bring us happiness and make us miss out on so many of the things our live's present us with! Stay strong babe and I hope that you are living your life to the fullest!!!

    Re: Mama Pea
    As soon as I saw your comment about how you thought the exact opposite of me, it helped me realize those exact things about my body. I hope that I have more days like that and so do you.

    Re: MyMarbleRye
    Ah, no need to cry honey! I'm glad you see my strength through the things I write and work through on the blog! I have spent the past two days away from the mirror, no looking at all because it just hurts me too much. The only thing is I know I can't avoid it forever and will need to face my fear someday!

    Re: Anonymous
    I hope that you're able to fight the demons like I do and come out strong!

    Re Krista:
    I like that phrase, giving myself a shake and letting the feelings come through! I'll def be using that and posting it in my room in the future! And getting out with friends def always helps! I'm hoping to make some in my new town soon!

    Re *Andrea*:
    you're totally right about the perspective and especially about the picture. for all i know that girl struggled like i did to get like that (not that I would ever want her to of course!) and isn't happy really. I am trying hard to change my thinking about gaining friends based on how I look…

    Re peacebeme:
    def a great thing to remember, is it worth being that miserable again? I vote hell no! And I happy happy happy to hear you're going to apply to school to live out what you want to do instead of what you think you should do! i always say do what makes you the happiest! That is one of the best ways to live your life!

    Re findinghappinessandhealth:
    i am definitely working on remembering i'm not my weight or a number! I am my own worst critic, but i think I need to be my biggest compliment-er!

  17. Trying To Heal says:

    Re: Katy B
    I am so proud of you for realizing what was happening and doing something about it to make sure it didn't get any worse! It strengthens me to see we can realize how "being thin" is not going to bring us happiness and make us miss out on so many of the things our live's present us with! Stay strong babe and I hope that you are living your life to the fullest!!!

    Re: Mama Pea
    As soon as I saw your comment about how you thought the exact opposite of me, it helped me realize those exact things about my body. I hope that I have more days like that and so do you.

    Re: MyMarbleRye
    Ah, no need to cry honey! I'm glad you see my strength through the things I write and work through on the blog! I have spent the past two days away from the mirror, no looking at all because it just hurts me too much. The only thing is I know I can't avoid it forever and will need to face my fear someday!

    Re: Anonymous
    I hope that you're able to fight the demons like I do and come out strong!

    Re Krista:
    I like that phrase, giving myself a shake and letting the feelings come through! I'll def be using that and posting it in my room in the future! And getting out with friends def always helps! I'm hoping to make some in my new town soon!

    Re *Andrea*:
    you're totally right about the perspective and especially about the picture. for all i know that girl struggled like i did to get like that (not that I would ever want her to of course!) and isn't happy really. I am trying hard to change my thinking about gaining friends based on how I look…

  18. Trying To Heal says:

    Re Biz319:
    Just encouragement like yours helps me get through every single day!

    Re J:
    I think it's huge that we realize how miserable we were before and fight the physical want to prevent the mental hurt. I too hope to find that middle ground! I know you can do it!

    Re melonshots:
    Thank you for your support. I'm always here for you if you need it!

    Re carolinebee:
    You know, you just made me realize how much I have done despite all the struggling I have had with my ED! I need to look back on all those things to realize that i have beat it and can continue to do it in the future, with success!

    Re Jessica@ Process of Healing:
    I'm so glad you're stopping the mirror checking! I have completely avoided the mirror all the together to help myself stop the criticism. And you're right, life is too shot to wish for things that our body's simply aren't meant to be! we gotta live our life!!!

    Re Maggie:
    I hope that everyone's comments help you for those times you struggle with this habit. I know they surely help me!

  19. Katie says:

    I know I'm getting to this late but here goes. I work with kiddos with chronic illnesses… I feel so guilty when I say I'm having a rough go when they are having so much worse, but as my friends said you can't under estimate your ED. I am completely isolated I have no trust, no confidence… Turned into a complete control freak if I can't control the situation I just plain don't engage in it. I hurt my foot from overuse (IE Exercised too much!) and can't run which is compounding the problem. I then went to lift last night KNOWING my body hurt and failed which is made me more anxious. I've cut meals again lately. I think the most frustrating thing with a relapse is you KNOW you're going downhill and you just are almost powerless to stop it. I know I can, but it's a compulsion much stronger than my will to fight it. I don't go past a mirror without looking into it. I will even look in the kid's playrooms just to make sure I look decent. It's sad! I want to live, I want to go out, I want to live a life free of fear of food, guys, going out. I want to date because I feel like I am loveable right now I feel like if I hate myself why would anyone love me? It's not fair to them to put up with this ED because it's destroying me I can't do that to another person. Good luck! I hope you get better sounds like you are headed that way!

  20. whataboutsummer says:

    I am reading a book about recovering from ED ("Love to Eat Hate to Eat"; it's highly faith-based advice) but one of the chapters is titled "Mirror, Mirror in my Heart"

    Keep being strong and awesome! You're a fighter
    Katherine

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