My Biggest Enemy

First of all:

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY

PAPPI!!!

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We love how you continue to entertain us…

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Make us laugh at every turn…

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And continue to surprise us every time we talk to you or might be home!  I miss you and can’t wait to come home and see you soon, or have you come out to see me! So close yet so far!!!

After my baking extravaganza this morning it was time to read, chill out, have too much cereal and chocolate because my head was lost, strength train, and have a nice healthy veggie laden dinner.

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Roasted brussel sprouts with garlic, sweet potato with curry/cumin/cayenne/garlic…and ketchup.

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And leftover Homemade Vegetable Soup with White Beans.

A white peach for dessert.  And folding laundry.  Great way to end a Sunday…

[[Side Note: My Biggest Enemy: Loneliness

I’m sorry if my posts have been a bit of a downer lately, pointing out things that have formed because of my ED and I still struggle with.  But I hope that many of you see how these fears live with many of us and we can all encourage each other to get out there and fight those feelings!  I know I’m trying my hardest to!

It was a tough day today for me for many reasons.  I’m having body woes, and “fat talk” days that I’m not happy are taking place, as they held me back from many things this weekend.  I had the opportunity to go out several times, but I brushed them off with a bunch of lame excuses to let me stay home (ok, Friday night wasn’t untrue as I was absolutely exhausted and had been up since 4am, so hitting the bars was not my top priority).

Part of me was intimidated

Part of me was scared

Part of me was ashamed

Part of me lonely.

I have never met these people before, I do not know what they look like or what they are like.  Yet I couldn’t get myself to go out with them because I didn’t believe I was good enough to go with them. Am I cool/good/nice enough to hang out with them? How am I going to look to them? Will it be impressive enough? 

Sadly enough my head won out and I stayed home, wallowing over the guilt that rolled out from deciding not to go.  I had produced my own loneliness. The one thing that I hate, makes me sad and leaves me anxious: I was alone. 

I stressed over it, wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do and turned to some cereal, and chocolate; my ultimate comfort foods.  I ate a bit of it, walked away, and tried to find something else to do.  But I couldn’t and it was my own fault, not going out and making friends with people in town.  I went back and had a bit more chocolate and cereal, then got so pissed I was eating it in the first place, not hungry at all, and fumed over it, kicking myself because I’ve already put on weight over my “happy weight” that I’m trying to rid of and only making it harder to get rid of it in the future.

It’s a horrible cycle…so I painted my nails to make me concentrate on something else.  Then I cleaned my boots.  And wiped down all the surfaces to get rid of all the dirt that comes through our doors.  And then, I exercised.

As horrible as it is that I turn to physical exertion it calmed me down and I felt more at peace. I’m trying to work on other forms of relaxation, but that is the only one that works right now.  Sadly it calms me down because of I think of it as burning off some of the calories I consumed when I didn’t want to, but at the same time it lets me see what my body is capable of, how strong it is and how I can make it even stronger if I put my mind to it.

But it doesn’t calm the loneliness.  Food is the only thing that seems to do that as of yet, but then the vicious cycle starts and I’m left more anxious than when I started.  This is something I’m very eager to work on with my new therapist and in hopes that talking to other bloggers and friends about it I’ll be able to overcome it.

I hope that this week I’ll be more positive, focusing  the blog on things that I’m proud of, what I’m working on in a good way, and not so much the things that are bothering me and so negative. I’ll keep hoping…and wishing… ]]

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11 Responses to My Biggest Enemy

  1. *Andrea* says:

    i know exactly how you feel! since being home for the summer and living with my beautiful younger sister who is such a natural with food/weight etc. (never had an ed like me – eats what she wants and stops when full) i've learned so much!… be happy with yourself at every present moment. make choices good for YOU – these will not be necessary good for everyone. love yourself too – this means being willing to step outside your comfort zone, let other people in (which may entail risking rejection, uncomfortable situations, embarassmen) – because otherwise loneliness creeps in.

    thanks for sharing your sidenotes! i think it's good to be honest. just don't judge yourself too much..(easier said than done, i know, i do this too!)..don't miss out on life either.

    this is corny but i love the jay-z quote in the song forever young "Fear not where, fear not why, fear not much while we're alive
    Life is for living not living uptight" .. my current mantra lol

    your dad looks/seems like an amazing person by the way!

  2. pamplemousse21 says:

    Don't apologise for your side notes, I know how helpful it can be to just formalise your thoughts into words. It's your blog, you put what you want on it anyway.

    I know exactly where your coming from with the lonliness/food/self imposed isolation, honestly, when I read some of your notes I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts. Please please gchat me if you ever want to talk these things over. Not that I can promise to come up with any answers, but you never know!

    Unfortunately I'm off of excercise at the moment, so I'm struggling even more trying to find ways to fill the time that don't lead me to food and when I don't feel like being pushed/challenged in new social situations, but maybe we should just take the challenge and step outside of our comfort zone?

    Xx

  3. Erica says:

    Happy Father's day (belated) to your daddy! He looks like so much fun ;) Great veggie dinner. Makes me want to roast some up right now! Sorry things have been tough- we're always here to listen! Hopefully meeting with the new counselor will help.

  4. mymarblerye says:

    loneliness is what "triggered" my emotional eating…I lived by myself and away from my bf and friends for a whole year..in the process my mind ended up going to this dark place it's never been to. I wish I could tell you I'm better now but moving to be with my bf ended up making me lonely as well cause I have NO friends here. We just need to battle these worries with something productive. let me know if you ever need to talk!

  5. Jessica @ The Process of Healing says:

    Aw girl, I know EXACTLY how you feel! I do the same thing! I hate staying home alone but yet, when someone asks me to go out and do something, I find all these stupid excuses and talk myself out of going. And then I feel guilty for NOT going. It's sad that we cause ourselves to be lonely, it's our own doing. So silly. Next time, tell your excuses to shut up and just go out!! I think we should both challenge ourselves to do just that.
    Always here if you need to talk!
    Love you!

  6. Krista says:

    I *like* your side notes. And I think writing them out helps you through parts of your anguish…

  7. biz319 says:

    Sending huge hugs your way – sorry you don't feel good enough to go out and meet new people and would rather be alone, which is something you don't want to do.

    You are a beautiful young woman, your body is strong and you have every right to go out and have fun – that's what is best about your age – you can do anything!

    Feel free to talk about the bad stuff along with the good stuff – that's why we are here to cheer you on!

  8. Gabriela says:

    Happy Father's Day to your daddy!! I wish I had some kind of wonderful advice that would make you feel more at peace with yourself, but all I can say is that I know how it feels. You're not alone. Never apologize for expressing how you feel on here…it's always a safe space to share your thoughts. Hope today was better for you :)

  9. Vivian says:

    Hi! I've never commented on your posts, but I have been following your blog for a bit. I just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate the that cycle of emotional/binge eating, and the ultimate feeling of loneliness. I've been going through many of those episodes, particularly within the past couple of years. It's like when I'm in that particular state of mind, I lose all control. I guess I just wanted you to know that you're not a alone, and it's also showing me that I'm not alone.

  10. Clean Eating Chelsey says:

    First off, the roasted brussel sproats and sweet potato rounds are one of my favorite combos! I like my "round meals" – can you tell I am a teacher?

    As for the lonliness, I do this to myself all the time. It's really a vicious cycle. I don't feel confident enough in myself to think that others will enjoy my presence sometimes. But YOU (and me as well) are AMAZING! I know it's hard when you have to step outside your comfort zone, but I know you can do it! I also tend to eat when I'm sad or frustrated at myself. I think subconsciously it's a form of self-sabatoge.

    ps: your dad looks like a fun guy!

  11. Adi.Fey says:

    Hey! Thanks for posting what your going through! Eating disorders are so tough!
    I have been checking up on your blog for some time now, your story is what drew me in. I'm struggling to recover from an eating disorder of my own and I can totally relate.

    I love hearing about your field work/environment and journey! Keep pushing girl, your so strong.

    I look forward to reading more! :)

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