First of all:
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY
We love how you continue to entertain us…
Make us laugh at every turn…
And continue to surprise us every time we talk to you or might be home! I miss you and can’t wait to come home and see you soon, or have you come out to see me! So close yet so far!!!
After my baking extravaganza this morning it was time to read, chill out, have too much cereal and chocolate because my head was lost, strength train, and have a nice healthy veggie laden dinner.
Roasted brussel sprouts with garlic, sweet potato with curry/cumin/cayenne/garlic…and ketchup.
And leftover Homemade Vegetable Soup with White Beans.
A white peach for dessert. And folding laundry. Great way to end a Sunday…
[[Side Note: My Biggest Enemy: Loneliness
I’m sorry if my posts have been a bit of a downer lately, pointing out things that have formed because of my ED and I still struggle with. But I hope that many of you see how these fears live with many of us and we can all encourage each other to get out there and fight those feelings! I know I’m trying my hardest to!
It was a tough day today for me for many reasons. I’m having body woes, and “fat talk” days that I’m not happy are taking place, as they held me back from many things this weekend. I had the opportunity to go out several times, but I brushed them off with a bunch of lame excuses to let me stay home (ok, Friday night wasn’t untrue as I was absolutely exhausted and had been up since 4am, so hitting the bars was not my top priority).
Part of me was intimidated.
Part of me was scared.
Part of me was ashamed.
Part of me lonely.
I have never met these people before, I do not know what they look like or what they are like. Yet I couldn’t get myself to go out with them because I didn’t believe I was good enough to go with them. Am I cool/good/nice enough to hang out with them? How am I going to look to them? Will it be impressive enough?
Sadly enough my head won out and I stayed home, wallowing over the guilt that rolled out from deciding not to go. I had produced my own loneliness. The one thing that I hate, makes me sad and leaves me anxious: I was alone.
I stressed over it, wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do and turned to some cereal, and chocolate; my ultimate comfort foods. I ate a bit of it, walked away, and tried to find something else to do. But I couldn’t and it was my own fault, not going out and making friends with people in town. I went back and had a bit more chocolate and cereal, then got so pissed I was eating it in the first place, not hungry at all, and fumed over it, kicking myself because I’ve already put on weight over my “happy weight” that I’m trying to rid of and only making it harder to get rid of it in the future.
It’s a horrible cycle…so I painted my nails to make me concentrate on something else. Then I cleaned my boots. And wiped down all the surfaces to get rid of all the dirt that comes through our doors. And then, I exercised.
As horrible as it is that I turn to physical exertion it calmed me down and I felt more at peace. I’m trying to work on other forms of relaxation, but that is the only one that works right now. Sadly it calms me down because of I think of it as burning off some of the calories I consumed when I didn’t want to, but at the same time it lets me see what my body is capable of, how strong it is and how I can make it even stronger if I put my mind to it.
But it doesn’t calm the loneliness. Food is the only thing that seems to do that as of yet, but then the vicious cycle starts and I’m left more anxious than when I started. This is something I’m very eager to work on with my new therapist and in hopes that talking to other bloggers and friends about it I’ll be able to overcome it.
I hope that this week I’ll be more positive, focusing the blog on things that I’m proud of, what I’m working on in a good way, and not so much the things that are bothering me and so negative. I’ll keep hoping…and wishing… ]]