Ask Yourself Why

[[Side Note: Ask Yourself Why

I woke up this morning in a dreadful mood.  It’s Monday right?  Well, that’s not the only reason: I was going to have to wear my last resort pair of field pants. 

Why is this such a bad thing?  Because over the past year plus some, they have gotten a bit…tight.  And this bothers me.

I let it ruin my mood this morning, not cracking more than a hello or slight chuckle with my coworkers and started work.  As I walked along and felt the tightness of the fabric against my skin and contours of my body, dreading every single step, I got to thinking: Why is this so horrible?  What is it doing to you?  How is changing anything in your life?  How is it changing you?

Many things came to mind as I walked along my transect…tears forming as I realized how horrible I felt but then let them dry as I realized the things that were really bothering me about my pants…but more my body, self worth and self esteem.

I’m about to go on a huge ramble, so hopefully you can follow the logic that is about to ensue.  It’s quite interesting really when I think about it, and I’m quite proud of the fact that I thought these feelings through and at the end of the day was ok with how my pants felt.  Alas…

“Ok, so these pants are tighter than they were last year when you wore them for the first time when you went to Florida.  Admit it to yourself and don’t be afraid of it, you have gained about 5lb since last year.  Is that a horrible thing? NO.  Is that really that much?  NO.  Does anyone care?  NO.  Only you do and that is what is holding you back.  You put too much pressure on how much your body weighs versus what it does for you.

But in regards to that weight gain…look at the things that scare you when you think about gaining weight.  You think that people with judge you and pass comments about this weight.  You think that people won’t like you because you’ve gained this weight.  You think you won’t be able to attract boys and find a boyfriend, and go on living a life without love.

Um, hello?  Take a look at your life in the past year and a half.  Lets go through those points now shall we?

  • You think that people with judge you and pass comments about this weight. 
    • Yes, it can be frustrating when you first meet people, not knowing what they think when they first lay eyes upon you.  Looks are the first thing they see , but if they take the time and effort to get to know you, then by golly fun times will ensue!  They are not going to say/think horrible and disgusting things about you because you think they think you’ve gained a little bit of weight or are god-for-bid fat (which btw, I know sure as hell that I AM NOT).
    • It’s hard when you have to see family and friends again after you’ve returned from your travels/work, and are afraid of the comments they will say based on the last time they saw you.  Ok, so it can be scary.  If you’re aunt or uncle or cousin thinks you’ve gained a bit of weight, is it going to kill you?  No.  Will they think anything bad about you as a person?  No.  Will it make a difference in who you are?  Uh, NO.
  • You think that people won’t like you (ie you won’t be able to make friends) because you’ve gained this weight, or that you look like you do now, versus before.
    • First of all, when you first meet people, they don’t know that you’ve gained weight because duh, they’ve never met you before and don’t know what you looked like before this first encounter.  Ergo, they don’t care.
    • Have you looked at all the friends that you’ve made in the past year?  You’ve moved all over the country several times and every time, you come home with several new friends and some of the best memories.  You left Florida the first time with a handful of new blogger friends you met in person and have stayed in touch and met again and again since with then.  Have they cared that you look different?  NO.  They probably don’t even notice, and if they do, they really don’t care.  As long as you smile, laugh and have a good time with them, it’s all good.
    • You’ve worked two other jobs since then and have made new friends with people both younger and older than you in every aspect of your life. You came home with friends from Texas, growing closer to them every time you see them.  You moved to Florida again, not knowing anyone on your new crew and left with some of the best friends ever, along with some of the funniest and most entertaining stories to date. 
    • All of these people have accepted you.  They have laughed with you, traveled with you, played with you, cheered with you, screamed with you and even cried with you.  They don’t care that there is another 5lbs on the scale than there was in January of 2009.  They don’t even know what is on the scale now.  They love you for who you are, how you spend time with them, entertain them with your crazy personality, and the devotion you have to your love of the environment, cooking and running.  And every other weird trait you possess.
  • You think you won’t be able to attract boys and find a boyfriend, and go on living a life without love.
    • This is a hard one.  You work a line of work where it is hard to meet guys since you move around a lot and end up living kinda in the middle of no where.  But think about the last year and a half…Did you date?  Yes, two people in fact.  Did they like you for who you were?  Yes.  Did they think you were beautiful?  Yes.  Did they tell you this, all the time?  Yes.  Did they care if your pants or shirts were a bit tight?  No.  Did they care that you were 5lbs heavier than you were last year?  No.
    • Yes it’s sad that these relationships didn’t work out, but in the end you did date.  You left with two really great guy friends whom you can still have a conversation with and still think you look good in that bathing suit. 
    • Ergo, you aren’t undate-able and can attract boys.  End of story.  You are not doomed to be an old lady living in a house filled with cats and a head full of curlers.  Hah!”

By the end of the day, I felt a huge relief after thinking these things through.  It wasn’t really the pants that were bothering me…it’s other things, emotions.  These emotions I’ve ignored for so many years and let ruin so many opportunities I could have had fun with and enjoyed.

This is going to become a common occurrence when I feel anxious about my body: ASK WHY.  There is no harm in doing so and I’m sure I’m going to discover things I never realized before.  This simple question will help me uncover emotions I’ve been hiding through other things and be able to work through them, around them, over them, and leave them behind.

I can feel it.  Things are going to get better.

~~

Update: I posted that I am seeking a counselor for my ED and what not and am currently in the midst of setting up an appointment.  I have talked a bit with her and like her so far, but we’ll see how it goes when I have to talk to her face to face.  If I’m at all uncomfortable or don’t think it’ll work, you know I’m going to drop her and find someone else.  It’s about me now, I need to focus on what’s best for me. ]]

It’s getting hot out here in the desert!  But I’m super excited that everyday after work I get to come home to the mountains where it drops to no more than 85 degrees and feel absolutely, AMAZING.  Yes, I feel spoiled…I <3 the mountains.

I wanted to eat breakfast before going out to the field but I didn’t plan all my crap the night before so I ended up eating in the car.  Not my favorite thing since I don’t really get to focus on my food and enjoy it, but alas, you do what you gotta do.

Another cereal mess for the books!  This one was like yesterday except it included a banana instead of an apple, and the fresh berries I got at the market yesterday!  Whoohooo!  HOT DAMN they are sweet and juicy!  I can’t wait to eat more!!!

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It was a long morning but luckily this week we’re working 8 hr days instead of 10hr ones.  I’m still tired from the last three weeks! Haha!

I snacked on an apple mid morning and couldn’t wait to inhale my lunch when the time came around!  After letting the tofu sit over night, along with the roasted veggies you know they tasted way better…no matter how soggy they made the bread.  An orange rounded out the meal well out in the warm desert (I say warm because it was only in the high 80’s…it’ll be hot when it hits the 100’s! YIKES!)

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Delight!

As soon as we got home I did some computer and GPS work and snacked on one of my Mixed Berry, Almond and Chocolate Chip Vegan Muffins along with some cherries…oh man, I gotta get more of these…I think they’re called Genevia?  Genovia?  I don’t remember much other than there was a Ge- at the beginning.  Haha.

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And after finishing up…I proceeded to fall asleep on the carpet of my bedroom.  Yes, we can’t be getting my bed dirty with my filthy field clothes.  I had yet to take a shower and wash off all the dirt, sunscreen and thistles that had caked my face, arms and legs.  Sexy right?

I woke up famished, but it was too early to eat dinner. I mean, 4.30?  That’s even a stretch for me…and besides, I wanted chocolate.  And carbs.

What better than TJ’s O’s and Dark Chocolate Covered Edamame? Oh yeah, you know it.

Now I’m trying to decide what to eat for dinner and have no clue.  I don’t really feel like anything…but a smoothie.  Hrm…we’ll have to see what I come up with!

Have a good night everyone!  I hope you had a fabulous Memorial Day!

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17 Responses to Ask Yourself Why

  1. simplyrunningonfaith says:

    The bulletpoints are so incredibly common to many many females out there. I related to many of them and appreciated your logical and thoughtfilled responses. As a gal who moved to a place where I knew no one, a couple of the points jumped out to me and they are things I have struggled with immensely. If I put all the time I spent in the last two years worrying over making friends and dating in a new city in actually getting OUT there and trying to make friends, geez I'd be the most popular girl in the Bay! Things will get better :)

  2. Mama Pea says:

    I want you to drive up here and go pants shopping with me. When I have a pair like yours that make me feel that way, I throw them to where I can't find them, way in the back back back of the closet, and I go buy a flattering pair that makes me feel good. No matter what size the offending or new pants are, I know it doesn't matter, because the new pants fit a healthy, strong and confident me, and they look great! Let's go shopping!!!

  3. Erica says:

    Great review of how you were feeling. Its hard to look at your feelings from a distance in those type of situations and I think you did an amazing job.

    You work so hard girlie! I have never had a tofu sammy – I always only have it in stir fry. I will have to try something similar. Hope you got lots of rest

  4. Living Free says:

    You are so strong and brave Mel. Good for you for really asking yourself why and going deeper into yourself. I hate the feeling of tight clothes too, but I am so proud of you for hangin' in there!
    xoxo

  5. Mica says:

    Hey, lady! Great job working through these thoughts. Isn't it scary how such irrational thoughts can dominate your day? You SHOULD be proud of thinking these through.

  6. mymarblerye says:

    we ALL have those insecurities…rising above them is what makes you strong. I have pants still from high school that I finally threw away instead of punishing myself by trying them on yearly in hopes they will fit again. I'm glad you have decided to seek help. Getting better and finding confidence is a life long struggle but I know you are capable of anything.

  7. From Here to There. In Purple. says:

    the way you worked through the thoughts is just SO powerful, i hope you recognize the gift and skill you possess.

  8. itsawrapteacher says:

    You always know how to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. Thank you for that. Everything you wrote down makes sense and calmed my inner ED.

  9. Heather says:

    I think your feelings are common among many women but your arguments against why you shouldn't feel that way are SO VALID.

    Good luck with the counselor – and that cereal mess looks amazing.

  10. Jessica @ The Process of Healing says:

    Love love this post girl! Asking yourself why is such a great idea.. So many times I get upset about something but it's something deeper that's actually making me upset, if that makes any sense? Asking myself why I'm really upset is a good idea.
    And I can relate to you about the pants.. Even knowing that I look better than I did back when I was really thin and that I NEEDED to gain the weight, sometimes it still upsets me. I'm afraid of what people will think and that I won't be attractive but that's just silly.. we have to accept ourselves for who we are and know that other people really do NOT care how much we may weigh.
    Love you girl!

  11. Cassie @ A Very Busy Mind says:

    Melissa, THIS IS AWESOME! Damn, girl, you sound so strong lately! I believe many of those of us with an ED history tend to worry our little heads off, and totally make mountains out of mole hills. It's such a good sign that you were able to dig deep and get to those little bitty details that are truly bothering you, and expose them for what they real are – NOT big deals!

    Congrats!

  12. Christine (The Raw Project) says:

    I can relate to so many of the bullet points and also appreciate your honesty. I have a few pairs of pants that aren't as loose anymore either, I knew it would happen as I transition my diet, but still not easy. Hang in there!

  13. Krista says:

    Asking yourself why….what a great concept! And it seems to have worked really well for you, too. I think you stumbled on something here…

    Aren't cherries awesome right now? I just bought some at the market and they're already gone! :)

  14. Casey says:

    You are strong and beautiful. I'm so glad that you are asking yourself WHY and going deeper into things to find your answers.Truly an inspiration to the rest of us.

  15. kristina@goodnweird says:

    YOU ARE SO STRONG. I definitely struggle with the 5 lbs – and I have come to realize that no one cares besides me. My husband doesn't, my friends don't, and the lady in the store where I go to buy new pants doesn't care. She just sells me a new pair of fabulous jeans.

  16. Gena says:

    Early in my recovery, I learned to simply throw away clothes that were tight or didn't make me feel good. Onto ebay they went. It's actually one of the best and most liberating choices you can make!!!

  17. Gabriela says:

    You have no idea how much I needed this post. I had a similar freak out this weekend when I realized that one of my bathing suits is way tighter now than it was a year ago, and it's been bothering me since, even though I know if I try to lose the weight it will just send me down a slippery slope. In the past year I've been happier than I ever have, I have a BF who loves me, I have wonderful friends, etc. FIVE POUNDS DOES NOT MATTER. Seriously, I think this post was God's way of tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to WAKE UP, because I'm HEALTHY and THAT'S WHAT MATTERS. Thank you girl, hope this week is going well for you!!

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