For All The Wrong Reasons…

[[Side Note: How To Move Past A Bad Event

Oh what a start to the weekend.  I slipped and fell, HARD

REALLY HARD.

Where do I even start?

Simply put, I made a mess of my own head yesterday.  It was an early day, with more field work and I was exhausted.  I returned home after 4 hrs of driving, 4 hrs of field work and was just out of it.  I ate a fairly early lunch out in the field but it was filling, and tasty.  We returned home and I cleaned up then got to work on applying for new jobs.  I was really tired and having a hard time staying awake to work on all the resumes, cover letters and reference worksheets. 

So I had a bit of cereal as a snack.  Then the cereal became two bowls.  Alright, that’s cool.  But I just kept going.  A coworker offered up some chocolates from an Easter package and I ate a few candy eggs.  That’s fine.  Lets just stop there.

But then I was still tired, lethargic and barely functioning.  And I started snacking on a trail mix I made with M&M’s, chocolate chips, cranberries, cashews and peanuts.  I ate right out of the bag.  I don’t even want to know how much I ate but I’m pretty sure, it was more than I needed.  Actually, I’m sure it was more than I needed, because I shouldn’t have had any in the first place since I WASN’T EVEN HUNGRY.

And that last fact, is what makes me mad in the first place.

After feeling pretty guilty for letting myself go like that, I was informed that the crew was going out to dinner. OH SHIT.  What the hell am I going to do? I so desperately don’t want to go and just crawl into my bed and let the night take me away since I’ve ruined my eating for the day.  I feel like a failure and want to cry my eyes out.  But I have no one to cry to and no where to go.

I sat on the floor for a bit in the shower before leaving, thinking about the whole situation.  And I turned the entire experience around.

Me: Ok, so I overate earlier.  I recognize it; that’s good.  Now I know next time that really, I just need to take a nap and, I was probably super dehydrated from not drinking enough out in the field so drink some water first.

ED: Who are you kidding?  That food?  It’s going to go straight to those hips and thighs that you’ve been worrying about for the past few weeks.  You’re failing at your own goals; so miserable.  And now you’re going to go out to dinner?  Have you looked at the menu?  Do you know what you can get?  Better yet, what lie are you going to tell to get out of eating there?

Me: This is not happening.  I realized what happened and I’m going to move past it and learn from the experience.  I will not look ahead at the menu and I’m sure there will be something there for me to eat and feel comfortable without skimping.  There is no shame in what I did; it might have been a mistake but I’m moving past it and not going to let the guilt ruin my last night with my coworker who is leaving tomorrow.

ED: But you can’t.  You must restrict.  I mean, you didn’t even exercise today.  You didn’t run, and you didn’t strength train like you said you would.  And if you try to justify some exercise as walking out in the Everglades burn you’re kidding yourself.  You probably walked a total of well, not enough.

Me: As I used to have bad food days and want to start fresh the next day, I’ve learned to actually start fresh with the next meal and balance everything out.  TAKE THAT.

((Enter my dinner at Sea Siam Sushi))1003110008

(Seaweed Salad)

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(Mixed Vegetable Roll Sushi)

ED: Ok, so you got what you wanted at the restaurant.  But I still won a bit since you kept it lighter than normal and didn’t really get the top dish that you really wanted from the menu.

Me: Ok, that may be the truth, but I still enjoyed my food.  I ate all the sushi and enjoyed the seaweed salad until it was too salty for me to eat.  Now I’m home and ready to have fun with the birthday being celebrated today.

ED: That’s nice, have fun with your friends.  But I really think you should go off and go for a walk, burn some of that dinner off.  Better yet, do that and the strength training you were supposed to do today.  And don’t even think about having the dessert you made for the birthday girl.

Me: No, no exercising.  I will not let exercise take away from social interactions anymore.  I’m sticking around, AND I’m going to have some of the dessert I made.

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(Homemade Oreo Crust Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Cake)

ED: Don’t do it.  Remember…your hips…your thighs…FAT.

Me: Shut the F up.  I’m having some, it’s my favorite ice cream flavor.  (I had about three bites off my bosses slice.  I actually couldn’t eat much in the first place because it’s ice cream = lactose = me being lactose intolerant = not good results and an unhappy tummy.)  AND I LOVED IT.  And even better, I still had room to laugh with my friends afterwards.

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ED: Yeah, we’ll see about that.

I went on and enjoyed the rest of my evening, laughing and fooling around with everyone until I went to bed.  I was a bit anxious as I laid there trying to fall asleep, but alas I rested peacefully and all the way through the night.

Until this morning.

ED: Get up fatty.  You need to run.  Not only because of yesterday, but because you’re not doing anything today and it’s supposed to rain all day.  Get up.

Me: Well, I’m already up, I might as well do something.  I’ll run a few miles, but nothing too strenuous or outrageous.  I want to be able to do a long run this weekend.

((Off I went to run my normal 3.6 mile loop. It went fine.  I came back and in time to see my coworker leave to return home))

ED: You’ve got time, lets do a few more miles.  And some calastinics.  You’ve been such a slacker.

Me: Fine.  Damnit, I can’t believe I’m giving in.

((Off I go to run 1.6 more miles and bring up a total of 5 miles.  Those last miles were fartleks too))

Me: Ok, I’m done; I’m tired.

ED: We’re not done.  Do your strength training and calastinics.  NOW.

Me: Fine.

((15 minutes of strength training and calastinics began and ended, without a smile on my face.  It was so hot and humid, I knew I should have just stopped.))

Me: Ok, I’m done.  I’m tired, completely drenched in sweat and therefore dehydrated, and I’m kinda hungry.

Hence the title of my post.  I exercised for all the wrong reasons. 

Over the years I’ve been able to move away from running to “burn off the calories” to run to “get stronger, improve my times and enjoy exercising.”  But this morning was the exception.  I must confess, I had calories on my mind the whole time running and thereafter.

But after cleaning up and getting ready to head out to the field, I snapped out of, realized what I had done and how I was thinking and realized, I could start making better decisions right then and there.

So I didn’t like the food choices I made yesterday, so I’ll make better and a bit more balanced ones today.  Meals were balanced, full of flavor, nutrition and satisfying.

Breakfast: Fage Greek Yogurt with strawberries, a peach and Heart to Heart.

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Snack: New Lemon Ginger Gnu Bar

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((Seriously I loved this bar.  It was such a great flavor and not too overpowering for my subtle tongue.  I remember having a Lemon Cranberry Ginger Bar from Honest Foods in 2008 and thought that was way overwhelming.  Maybe they’ve changed the recipe since then, but I liked this bar way better!  Thanks Gnu Foods for sending me some samples!!!))

Lunch: YouBar Customized Protein Shake Powder: Vanilla Dream

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I blended it with a frozen banana and blueberries and some unsweetened plain almond breeze.  It was such a great shake!  I normally am not a shake/smoothie person but this one had a great balance of flavors AND it kept me full for almost three hours!

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And served it as a smoothie in a bowl topped with some Heart to Heart.

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Snack: 1 1/2 apples and two carrots (brain food for job applications)

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Dinner: Strawberries and Pineapple

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Flat Out Pizza with marinara, lentils, cheddar cheese, tomatoes, bell peppers, onion and fresh basil.

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Dessert: Mini pack of M&M’s mixed with some honey nut cheerios and peanuts.

As hard as it was the past few days, I’m accepted what happened and feel good now. I know what I did wrong, and right all at the same time.  I’m proud of how I got through those obstacles and hope they don’t happen for a very long time here after, well actually, ever again.  A bit farfetched, but it’s good to hope. ]]

Happy Friday to everyone and I hope you have some great adventures planned for this weekend! I wish I could report that I have something fun to do, but I really don’t.  I kinda have my life to catch upon since this week was crazy with work.  And I need to start applying for new jobs.  I feel like I’m always applying for them! 

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24 Responses to For All The Wrong Reasons…

  1. moretolifethanlettuce says:

    we all slip and give in to ED's demands sometimes, but that doesn't discount the awesome work you had already done! all those accomplishments still count!! i've never seen that flava gnu bar, i want one!

  2. Heather McD (Heather Eats Almond Butter) says:

    ED can go to hell. Way to bounce back and recognize that you are strong. You can can take him -you will next time.

    That cake sounds like my ideal bday cake. I love anything chocolate mint and with cookie chunks. :)

  3. From Here to There. In Purple. says:

    I feel like I had the SAME conversation in my head the other day. I knew I needed to do schoolwork but I ate instead. And ate. And couldn't stop until I got to the point of complete disgust and guilt. Then I restricted and over exercised. And then I collapsed, and just cried until it was time to stand up, be a (wo)man and move on with my life. I couldn't let one bad experience affect the rest of my day and meals.

    You inspire me every single day, I hope you realize that <3

  4. Amanda - RunToTheFinish says:

    I don't have ed…but I do make myself exercise when I know i've eaten too much. I think the fact that you enjoyed your night shows major progress

  5. Maddi says:

    I loved this post! I dont love that you had a bad couple of days, but I loved reading about the way you handled the situation. I feel so awful and depressed when I mess up…its encouraging to read about your struggles and see how you handle them. And gosh, you are so good at writing! I am always so hooked! ;) Ah, and that cake you made is what I always have as my birthday cake!!! I'm lactose intolerant too, but once a year you just have to eat it. :)

  6. peacelovenutrition says:

    Hey there! It happens. I would LOVe to say that I'm 100% without my ED now but it's not the case. WE all slip up sometimes. But we have to learn to not dwell on it and beat ourselves up about it. Good luck girl!! You got it : )

    xo

    Jocelyn

  7. theemptynutjar says:

    hugs melissa…
    u are too hard on yourself..
    a full year now since i have exercised or anything…so , eating can be a mind-game…but bite back at it…
    eat that cake :)

  8. ktbwood says:

    ahh im so sorry girl!! you will bounce back..learn from it..and be stronger from it. so thankful for your AWARENESS

  9. Gabriela says:

    So many of us have been there. I'm glad you realize that you were listening to ED's voice, not your own! Tomorrow is a new day, and you can tell ED to stick it where the sun don't shine. Awesome looking cake, by the way!

  10. Caronae says:

    You are so beautifully honest Melissa! I really feel for you with this story because it is the EXACT same way my brain operates sometimes. Eat a ton of random snakc/binge foods one night, try to run it off in the morning, feel horribly guilty, cycle repeats. I'm so happy you were able to move on and let go of the bad feelings; I'm working on doing this too. And I'm happy you enjoyed the ice cream cake; I can't believe you made it!

  11. Meredith (Pursuing Balance) says:

    I just talked to my sister the other day about snacking when you're tired! When you think about it, it makes sense on some level since food is a source of energy, you know? As my former RD always told me: don't look at the tree, look at the forest! :)

    Did you go to the Sea Siam on US1? I think that's where I met Dan's family for the first time! I love veggie rolls!

  12. Jenny says:

    That cake looks delicious!

    I am proud of you for realizing your own strengths, a lot of us have the same talks in our heads!

  13. findinghappinessandhealth says:

    im so incredibly sorry that you are struggling hun! it is awful, and i totally can relate ot the exercise compulsion but dont feel guilty- you enjoyed yourself & deserve the good food! you are so beautiful.

    xoxo
    shelley

  14. Danielle says:

    This may not be appropriate for our happy go lucky blog world, but I'm just going to go and say it anyway… FUCK OFF ED.

    You are so much more incredible than ED will ever realize. Go enjoy that fabulous dessert you made, if not for you… then for my sake ;)

  15. *Andrea* says:

    OMG literally had the SAME EXPERIENCE 2 days ago. i woke up at 8 for a 9am class after only sleeping 4 hours because of a noisy roommate. then i get back from class at 1030 but go to the library to write a paper like i planned. iwas so tired so i headed to the dining hall, ate 2 muffins, came back to my dorm and had 1/2 a sleeve of girl scout cookies! all i needed was a nap! anyways, moral of the story i wanted to cry and work out the rest of the day. instead i napped then wrote my paper and ate lots of veggies the rest of the day.

    keep working hard at being healthy and kicking ED in the ass. you can do it!!

  16. Olga @ Healthing It says:

    I came home from work last night, exhausted as hell, drenched from the stupid rain and ate like 3 bowls of cereal for dinner. Then sunflower seeds.

    I JUST NEEDED TO SLEEP. I am just starting to realize how important sleep is…it's like it lowers my inhibitions or something!

    This is a wonderful post. And that cake looks incredible!

  17. Mama Pea says:

    Thank you for sharing that inner dialogue that so many of us struggle with every day. I think you should be very proud of all the times you fought that horrible ED voice (does it sound like Gilbert Gottfried?) and even for just recognizing the times when you gave in. Keep fighting the fight, love!

  18. Caitlin says:

    I have been lurking on your page for about a few weeks now. Your posts definitely hit home. I can understand how you totally felt when disordered eating gets the best of you. I know that when I have those days when I slip back into bad patterns of thinking, I just need to remind myself that: Today is a new day, pick yourself up, and tell ED to "Shut up!"

  19. Gena says:

    Me to ED: Suck it.

    Me to You: Way to understand how these conversations with ED work. I really think the first step towards knowing how to shake off, cope with, and prevent them is being able to understand their inner workings. You've really learned what your own fears and triggers are, and that wisdom will help you continue to fight and move past them.

  20. Betty says:

    i hardly ever comment, but this post really helped me right now. i am having my own issues today about messing up my meal plan, and i too usually fall into the idea that 'tomorrow i will start fresh'. but you are absolutely right that the next meal is a perfect opportunity to make good choics.
    thank you so much for sharing this, it helped my thought process this very minute.

    -Erin

  21. healthy ashley says:

    I love how you won this situation!

    And, honestly, I was super jealous of your thighs at Gasparilla, so ED is even more wrong!

  22. Jessica @ The Process of Healing says:

    Wow girl, thanks for being so honest!!! It makes me feel like i'm not alone when I have those slip-ups. They happen though. But the important thing is, you know where you can improve next time. But even more importantly, I think you won the battle with ED this time because you stayed strong. Even if you did run because of him, you still realize your mistake in the end. And you picked yourself up and moved on. You are strong girl, SO strong!!!!

  23. balancejoyanddelicias says:

    you're so brave to write down your conversation with your ED. it made me laugh but in a godo way!
    You've passed a long journey conquering ED, great job girl! WE're all proud of you!!! Keep shutting it up!

  24. Katie says:

    Oh, I know that voice… and that whole process… so well. Good for you for SHUTTING IT DOWN and turning the situation around!

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