Overcoming Obstacles

We’ll start out on a lighter note today shall we?  I’ll even make a fun timeline of it!

6.05 I hear the rain.  Why am I up so early?  Try and go back to sleep?

6.10 This isn’t working at all.  Guess I’ll get up.

6.15 Wait, it’s not raining.  Maybe I should get a workout in now?  No, I’m tired.  And I want to read blogs instead.

6.20 Read emails, blogs, write emails, check fb…putz around the house and wonder what we’re going to do today.

7.30 Regret that I didn’t go out for a run this morning, it’s going to pour all day long.

7.55 Shizzle, my stomach is pissed: time to FEED.

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  • Oikos Plain Yogurt continer
  • Peach
  • Strawberries
  • Blueberries
  • 2T Nature’s Path Regular Granola
  • 1.5 T Naturally More PB

8.25 Damn, I wish that hadn’t ended.  Can’t I have a bowl that just keeps refilling itself?

9.00 Guess it’s time to do some real work.  Database entry to commence.

9.15 That sure took forever: NOT.  Now what do I do?

9.20 Oh yeah, there are pictures to look at with tiny white dots that I need to look at and decide what kind of bird is there, if it’s on a nest, and how many there are.

11.00 Man, my tum tum feels funny.  Maybe I should eat a snack?  Is it too early for lunch?  How about an orange and two of My Field Cookies.  Where’s my camera?

11.30 Ok, everyone else is eating lunch, and I’m still famished, so I’m eating too.  Excited for LEFTOVER TEMPEH!

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  • Leftover Tempeh wish garlic/onion/low sodium soy sauce marinade
  • cucumbers
  • green leaf lettuce
  • tomato
  • 2 pieces of ww bread

And a JAZZ APPLE.  Why can’t I just find these in stores for reasonable prices?  I want them forever.  Especially cold.  There are only two left…where can I hide them?

12.00 Now what do I do? Hrm…look at more pictures…

12.30 I have an empty pit feeling in my belly.  How about something to snack on…Three Sisters Honey Puffs and Cinnamon Grahams Cereal?  Lets settle that sweet tooth too.  Two birds with one stone!

2.00 All done with the pictures!  I still feel empty…dry roasted peanuts going into the belly…was I really hungry?  Why did I just eat that?

2.15 And now the guilt starts.  I should have gotten in that workout this morning instead of putzing around. [[Kicks self mentally]]

2.16 Why are you thinking like this?  Snap out of it damnit.  You’re fine, this is not an obstacle you need right now.  Get over it.

2.17 Lets distract: GRE study time.  I like algebra: polynomials are my friends.  I can do those.

5.15 GUILT GUILT GUILT.  Damnit.  DAMNIT.

5.16 My coworker says everyone is going out for Mexican in honor of National Tortilla Chip Day.  I have nothing to do tonight.  I should go, but I feel guilty about earlier.  I make up an excuse and run out the door in my workout clothes.

5.18 Maybe if I run fast enough I’ll be back in time.  I can still go, I just won’t order anything.  What fun would that be?

5.?? [[Walking in middle of run in the rain]] Why am I doing this?  I don’t even want to run.  I’m just torturing myself.  Letting my ED take over me.  Why?

5.50 Thank god that’s over.  I just want to crawl into the shower and cry.  But I need to do abs. I haven’t done them in over a week.

5.51 Abs begin.  One set done.  Then I hear my boss, “Melissa!  Why aren’t you coming to dinner?!”

5.52 Oh shit.  Think of an excuse. OH YEAH, I’m covered in sweat. “I’m dirty!” I reply.  “So is everyone else!  Just put on something dry.”

5.53 Ok, I give in.  But am I really giving in?  No, you’re conquering your ED.  Go get dressed.

6.01 Out the door, in cleaner clothes, and smelling peachy.  Thank goodness for Bath and Body Works Body Spray.

6.20 What am I going to order off the menu that won’t jack up my cals?  Wait.  Snap out of it.  Look what they brought to the table.

IMAGE_225

Chips and salsa.  Perfect for National Tortilla Chip Day!

6.30 There’s not much here for me to order without butchering the entire menu.  Find something simple. Don’t get the salad.  Don’t give in and get the salad.  Don’t do it…

6.31 “I’ll have the ((Insert Spanish here)) salad but I’d like to sub out the chicken for refried beans and no cheese please.”

6.32 Shit.

6.33 You are not even going to like your dinner.  You totally should have gotten fajitas like you wanted.

7.00 Meal served.  I tried to make it appealing, even look appealing, and I fail.

 IMAGE_226 IMAGE_227

7.01 This kinda looks like poo. Haha.

7.10 Devour the salad and all it’s contents.  The guacamole was mediocre, and the beans were really runny.  And, of course I’m still hungry.  Duh, what did you expect Melissa?

7.11  Laugh with my friends and coworkers.  Enjoy the company and environment.  At least take that away from this horrible anxiety and stress you’re causing yourself.

8.00 Boss is awesome and pays for everyone’s dinner. Now I feel guilty for another reason: he just paid for a meal I didn’t enjoy and knew I wasn’t going to like.  Why go out if you’re not going to enjoy the food?

8.30 Maybe if you clean up you’ll feel better.  Showers always help.

8.31 Fat Talk as I look in the mirror.  NO!

8.32 “See those muscles woman!  Yeah!  Work it, you’ve done well with those.”  Hah, take that you stupid ED.  I DO WHAT I WANT!

8.40 Goodness these bug bites are burning all over my ankles…and now they’re swollen.  Ouch.  Don’t itch!

9.00 Time to blog.  Why do my posts feel so depressing lately?  Maybe because you’re actually telling the world how you’re really feeling…which isn’t the happiest.  It’s ok, maybe this is going to help in the long run.  It seems to be helping everyone with the feedback you’re getting. 

Which btw, THANK YOU EVERYONE for all the support and kind words you have been giving me since I started these Side Notes (which you can find all the links to in the new page I created right under my header picture!) recently.  You encouragement has made the tiny aspects of recovery that I’m still dealing with that much easier to conquer.

Love you all.

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21 Responses to Overcoming Obstacles

  1. Katy says:

    My day was pretty much spot on with yours! We have days where we struggle with the ED but you have seen how listening to it affected you and how you were not happy with the choices that it made you take. Now, you can move on from this bad day and take it as a lesson learned.

    Thank you for all your honesty lately :)

  2. Kelly says:

    Hi Melissa. I don't know if this helps but I just got back from the Operation Beautiful seminar that Caitlin put on. I hope you know how beautiful you are and I'm not just saying that to say it. Youre beautiful inside and out. You have a kind heart, are generous, willing to help and I can tell you just want to be a good person, live a good life and do your part to help save the world (or maybe just the birds? :) ) Just remember that.

    Also, something I always tell myself when I am struggling with anything. You are stronger than you think you are.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Hi Melissa,
    I am so sad to say this, but i feel like you are really regressing lately. Your posts keep screaming ED and you are working out a ton even with an injury. Have you considered seeking help? We are all here for you. Try to be strong, but also know there is help everywhere!

  4. Meredith (Pursuing Balance) says:

    I'm sorry you had such a rough day! Apparently there's a free support group Sundays 5:30-6:30PM in Kendall . . . I'd be willing to go with you if you wanna check it out :) Remember: tomorrow is a new day! And let's hope to goodness that it finally stops raining — I can't take it anymore!

  5. Laura: Learning to Love says:

    This was so refreshingly honest…but I truly hope you're able to get yourself out of this negative talking rut!

  6. LindsayRuns says:

    I'm glad you're sharing so much, I know it has to be hard, whenever I post something deeper, I worry that I scare people away with my honesty. I think you are very brave to do that every day with these side notes. I don't know how I can help, but I do wish you all the best in your recovery! Rooting for you friend!

  7. moretolifethanlettuce says:

    loved reading this timeline, such a good representation of the stuff that runs through our minds even in recovery. ups and downs, but you pulled through! sorry you didn't like you dinner and there was some fat talk involved, but overall you handled it well and you'll continue to learn from days like this

  8. Jessica @ The Process of Healing says:

    So sorry about your day girl!! Sometimes it happens though. We live and we move on. And you know what? Next time, think of THIS and DON'T let your ED win! The guilt and anxiety is not worth it. And you know that. But sometimes it happens and that's ok.
    I have days like that too. It's so hard sometimes. But all I know is that I can't go back to that life, days of anxiety and guilt over what I ate, what I didn't eat, I didn't exercise enough, etc. It's pure torture. We're better than that :D
    You're strong and you're kick-ass girl, you can beat it!

  9. Katie says:

    We all have days like this. Some more than others. Just keep your chin up and keep chugging through. At least you have those positive thoughts to combat the ED, negative ones. Hang in there, sweetie. :)

  10. ktbwood says:

    im loving your posts!! some days are harder than others, i am soo glad you are open and honest about it. you are AWESOME

  11. MCkristin says:

    Congrats on going to dinner!!! Wasn't the best day ever, but think of how it could have spiraled MUCH worse and out of control. I say today was a success =)

  12. Gena says:

    Sweetie, listen to me: this is all a normal part of recovery. Every moment in that day you had. Every doubt, every little bit of guilt. I promise you that. I don't mean to detract from what you experienced, but I DO want you to know that you're not alien for feeling it, nor failing at recovery because you did. It's part of the process. You're facing it bravely. I admire you! And you should admire you, too.

    Stick with it, Melissa, even when it's hard. I promise you — it gets easier.

  13. Jenna says:

    Great post!!

  14. Tiffany says:

    I absolutely love the format of this post — it was fun to read. I'm sorry you struggled with your ED thoughts, but so glad you ended it well with positive self-talk! I have the same thoughts most days, and your posts are very inspiring for me. Thank you for your honesty!

    Also, I gave you an award on my blog. :)

  15. theemptynutjar says:

    There was a time that no exercise would have horrified me. Now for the last year I have only been walking…and need to respect that. As a former competitor (pretty decent) that is TOUGH.

    I put yogurt in my oats this morning too.

    You might want to consider talking to someone Melissa. You are so kind…and maybe it would help to hash it out with a therapist or someone really close to u.

  16. Krista says:

    Great post, Melissa! I think your train of thought is more common than you realize. I know I often have those thoughts running through me head. If only others knew how much we talked to ourselves, eh?? LOL!

  17. Anonymous says:

    All I have to say is – thank you, you're not alone, and they'll be days like this. Here's to a much better day!

  18. Natalie Rae says:

    Thank you for this timeline… I really needed to read it this morning… It made me realized that some thoughts are ED and some are not… thanks for the evaluation provoking and helpful thoughts… I am fighting right now too- to not spiral- I gave in yesterday- today will be different!! Funny that I didn't really realize what some of the thoughts were!?

  19. findinghappinessandhealth says:

    so glad you are able to turn around those STUPID ed thoughts!! you are beautiful- please never forget that.

  20. HangryPants says:

    Hi Melissa, Don't worry about having depressing posts. You have to write about what you are going through! I am sorry you've hit a rough patch. :)

  21. jenngirl says:

    Just getting out the door and going to that dinner was you winning and ED losing. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't do EVERY single thing the "stronger" way. Just keep persevering!

    And your posts have not been depressing. As much as I hate that we still struggle, it's good that you can share and know you are not alone. I hope that it's helping you as much as it's helping us when you share.

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