We’ll start out on a lighter note today shall we? I’ll even make a fun timeline of it!
6.05 I hear the rain. Why am I up so early? Try and go back to sleep?
6.10 This isn’t working at all. Guess I’ll get up.
6.15 Wait, it’s not raining. Maybe I should get a workout in now? No, I’m tired. And I want to read blogs instead.
6.20 Read emails, blogs, write emails, check fb…putz around the house and wonder what we’re going to do today.
7.30 Regret that I didn’t go out for a run this morning, it’s going to pour all day long.
7.55 Shizzle, my stomach is pissed: time to FEED.
- Oikos Plain Yogurt continer
- 2T Nature’s Path Regular Granola
- 1.5 T Naturally More PB
8.25 Damn, I wish that hadn’t ended. Can’t I have a bowl that just keeps refilling itself?
9.00 Guess it’s time to do some real work. Database entry to commence.
9.15 That sure took forever: NOT. Now what do I do?
9.20 Oh yeah, there are pictures to look at with tiny white dots that I need to look at and decide what kind of bird is there, if it’s on a nest, and how many there are.
11.00 Man, my tum tum feels funny. Maybe I should eat a snack? Is it too early for lunch? How about an orange and two of My Field Cookies. Where’s my camera?
11.30 Ok, everyone else is eating lunch, and I’m still famished, so I’m eating too. Excited for LEFTOVER TEMPEH!
- Leftover Tempeh wish garlic/onion/low sodium soy sauce marinade
- green leaf lettuce
- 2 pieces of ww bread
And a JAZZ APPLE. Why can’t I just find these in stores for reasonable prices? I want them forever. Especially cold. There are only two left…where can I hide them?
12.00 Now what do I do? Hrm…look at more pictures…
12.30 I have an empty pit feeling in my belly. How about something to snack on…Three Sisters Honey Puffs and Cinnamon Grahams Cereal? Lets settle that sweet tooth too. Two birds with one stone!
2.00 All done with the pictures! I still feel empty…dry roasted peanuts going into the belly…was I really hungry? Why did I just eat that?
2.15 And now the guilt starts. I should have gotten in that workout this morning instead of putzing around. [[Kicks self mentally]]
2.16 Why are you thinking like this? Snap out of it damnit. You’re fine, this is not an obstacle you need right now. Get over it.
2.17 Lets distract: GRE study time. I like algebra: polynomials are my friends. I can do those.
5.15 GUILT GUILT GUILT. Damnit. DAMNIT.
5.16 My coworker says everyone is going out for Mexican in honor of National Tortilla Chip Day. I have nothing to do tonight. I should go, but I feel guilty about earlier. I make up an excuse and run out the door in my workout clothes.
5.18 Maybe if I run fast enough I’ll be back in time. I can still go, I just won’t order anything. What fun would that be?
5.?? [[Walking in middle of run in the rain]] Why am I doing this? I don’t even want to run. I’m just torturing myself. Letting my ED take over me. Why?
5.50 Thank god that’s over. I just want to crawl into the shower and cry. But I need to do abs. I haven’t done them in over a week.
5.51 Abs begin. One set done. Then I hear my boss, “Melissa! Why aren’t you coming to dinner?!”
5.52 Oh shit. Think of an excuse. OH YEAH, I’m covered in sweat. “I’m dirty!” I reply. “So is everyone else! Just put on something dry.”
5.53 Ok, I give in. But am I really giving in? No, you’re conquering your ED. Go get dressed.
6.01 Out the door, in cleaner clothes, and smelling peachy. Thank goodness for Bath and Body Works Body Spray.
6.20 What am I going to order off the menu that won’t jack up my cals? Wait. Snap out of it. Look what they brought to the table.
Chips and salsa. Perfect for National Tortilla Chip Day!
6.30 There’s not much here for me to order without butchering the entire menu. Find something simple. Don’t get the salad. Don’t give in and get the salad. Don’t do it…
6.31 “I’ll have the ((Insert Spanish here)) salad but I’d like to sub out the chicken for refried beans and no cheese please.”
6.33 You are not even going to like your dinner. You totally should have gotten fajitas like you wanted.
7.00 Meal served. I tried to make it appealing, even look appealing, and I fail.
7.01 This kinda looks like poo. Haha.
7.10 Devour the salad and all it’s contents. The guacamole was mediocre, and the beans were really runny. And, of course I’m still hungry. Duh, what did you expect Melissa?
7.11 Laugh with my friends and coworkers. Enjoy the company and environment. At least take that away from this horrible anxiety and stress you’re causing yourself.
8.00 Boss is awesome and pays for everyone’s dinner. Now I feel guilty for another reason: he just paid for a meal I didn’t enjoy and knew I wasn’t going to like. Why go out if you’re not going to enjoy the food?
8.30 Maybe if you clean up you’ll feel better. Showers always help.
8.31 Fat Talk as I look in the mirror. NO!
8.32 “See those muscles woman! Yeah! Work it, you’ve done well with those.” Hah, take that you stupid ED. I DO WHAT I WANT!
8.40 Goodness these bug bites are burning all over my ankles…and now they’re swollen. Ouch. Don’t itch!
9.00 Time to blog. Why do my posts feel so depressing lately? Maybe because you’re actually telling the world how you’re really feeling…which isn’t the happiest. It’s ok, maybe this is going to help in the long run. It seems to be helping everyone with the feedback you’re getting.
Which btw, THANK YOU EVERYONE for all the support and kind words you have been giving me since I started these Side Notes (which you can find all the links to in the new page I created right under my header picture!) recently. You encouragement has made the tiny aspects of recovery that I’m still dealing with that much easier to conquer.
Love you all.