A Weighty Issue

So, because I love you all, I have to be truthful with you also.
I’m not going to stating any whole numbers (i.e., how much I weigh or used to weigh, etc.) but other numbers might come up, and with a large amount of talking about eating disorder related subject, so I’m warning you now in case you are sensitive to those kinds of things.  I don’t want to influence any of my recovering readers in any way shape or form.  Please be aware; thanks.
I woke up Friday morning and weighed myself for the first time in FOUR MONTHS.  Now, normally I wouldn’t go this long without weighing myself, but because of my job the three previous months, I had no scale, which now I can’t decide if it was a good or bad thing.  Part of me believes this was a good thing because it moves my always recovering mind away from numbers that have previously controlled so much of my life, but then could also be a bad thing because it makes me paranoid half the time  because I’ll be afraid my weight may have gone up, therefore making me extremely anxious and upset.
Anyhow, I stepped on the scale, mentally preparing myself for what the number might say because the day before, I was horribly upset with myself and my body.  Let me explain:
I have known for some time that my clothes have been fitting a bit differently, but it hadn’t been getting to me as I had convinced myself that much of it was muscle I had been building from all the strength training I was getting in while in Texas. 
I ran an awesome 10k with my cousin and brothers Thursday morning and felt great thereafter.  I came home and prepared my homemade Vegan Shepherd’s Pie and then went to clean up and get ready to go to my great aunt’s house.  I had no idea what I was going to wear, and seeing as how I’ve been missing the majority of my wardrobe for the last three months, and really since January, I had a plethora of clothes to choose from, only I didn’t.  I went to try on a pair of brown pants; they were way too tight.  Shrugged it off, and tried on another pair of pants; they were way too tight too.  My mind at that point is a little confused.  I then went for a third pair bottoms; they were also far too tight.  At this time I was on the verge of tears; nothing was fitting.  WTF?  What was going on?
I finally resorted to a pair of bermudas that were tight, but not as much as the others.  I laid on my floor, staring at the ceiling, tears rolling down the sides of my face, running over the thought of how I was a failure, letting my eating get away from me the past few months, resulting in some extra weight and tight pant bottoms.  At that point I didn’t know what to think…
I kinda went through the day in a haze, numb to the core, depressed by the thought that I couldn’t fit in my pants.  I was more upset about this kind of situation than I have been in years; YEARS.  I should have been focusing on the fact that I was with my family, who I get to see once or twice a year with all the job changing and traveling I do, but I couldn’t.  I was selfish, and absorbed in my own misery and worries.
All of this led to my stepping on the scale Friday morning, after so much anxiety the day before of what the number was going to be on the dial.  I debated even stepping on it, wondering if I really even wanted to know what it said, since I knew full well it would be up from where it was last time, therefore making me feel depressed.  But I did it anyhow.  I was anticipating the worst, ready to take on the fact, and then probably resort to unhealthy means to rid of it as quickly as possible.
It wasn’t that bad.  I was baffled; no joke.  But I was still upset.  Upset because like I said, I felt like a failure, letting my eating get away from me the past few months.  I couldn’t convince myself that I should focus on the positive things like, I just ran my first 1/2 Marathon in San Antonio, I worked on a birding project with the second highest count in the entire United States, and just finished a 10k under the time that I wanted.  Only the negatives were running through my head.  So unfortunate.
I’m now at a standstill.  I don’t even know what to type because I simply don’t know what to think or feel.  One part of me is screaming to restrict as much as I can, run and burn off as many calories as I can, make the weight go away and go back to the “safe” foods, feelings, you name it.  But the other part of me is arguing back, reminding me that if I resort to those means, I’m going to get hurt again, probably worse than before, that my running will become something of a chore and quite painful, I’ll have horrendous headaches and body aches, get moody and upset all the time, seclude myself from anything fun that I finally have piled on the courage over the past year to try, and ultimately, let all my hard work and the hard work of my friends, past significant others, and family go to waste.
I haven’t known who to turn to in all of this, as I normally would have gone to Brad, him being the one person as of late who had understood me the most and who I hadn’t felt embarrassed to talk to about it.  I have many other friends, blogger friends and family who I could have gone to, but I feel like such a burden.  I always, ALWAYS feel like a burden.  I know I’m not, that I’m not perfect and that this recovery is something that means reaching out to people…I just don’t know.
I’m a bit lost at this point, hoping that things will sort themselves out and that I won’t lapse back into my old ways and take things drastically.  I’m fighting as hard as I can in my head and so far I’m winning.  But it’s hard…
I hope that this does not push you away from reading the blog, or finding me a hypocrite with all my talk about recovery, but I’ll still be here.  I’m not prefect, and I’ll continue to struggle. 

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28 Responses to A Weighty Issue

  1. findinghappinessandhealth says:

    i'm really glad thatyou wrote this very honest post. weight is such a dangerous thing to rely on & i know that you are feeling anxious about it, but i was just looking atyour recent pictures..and you GLOW. seriously, i am jealous. you look beautiful!! don't let the numbers fool you hun :) you know what makes you feel best though, but ireally hope you don't restrict or anything because you know what, life is too short! easier said than done…TRUST ME, but every day i try to remind myself how short life is and how food should not make or break any single day..you know? but anyways i love your blog & your honesty/openness and hope you continue on this amazing & inspiring path you are on. no joke, when i am feeling unmotivated, your blog is one of the ones that really motivates me to keep on the right track!

    xoxo
    shelley

  2. tra says:

    wow. that took a lot of guts to say. i am in the same boat as you. a lot of my bottoms are fitting tighter than before and now the urge to restrict/chew spit is even worse. i have become a totally different person! it saddens me. but hey, you're reachin out and we can support each other!

  3. caronae says:

    First of all, know that you will never be a burden to anyone in the blog world! We are here to support you and help you through your struggles. Secondly, you are beautiful no matter what your weight! Perhaps you were a little underweight before, and your body was just settling into it's happy weight, or perhaps you did put on some muscle — it sounds like your running has really improved! Either way, you eat great foods that your body likes, and you seem to treat yourself well. For the longest time, I felt like my battle was purely physical — if I just ate a little less or ran a little more, everything would be perfect. But in the last few months, I have really begun to see that for me, things are much more emotional/mental. I have started to really come to appreciate my body (and my self!) no matter what it looks like. And I have found that when I stop worrying about every little thing (food related or otherwise), I settle into my natural weight. Maybe talking to a nutritionist or a therapist would help you, even if you have done it before? It has definitely helped me.

    I know it can be the hardest thing in the world to do, but try to relax. The world will still be there, regardless of whether or not you have gained ten pounds or lost ten pounds. I know it can be so hard to see yourself in a positive light (I hated myself for a LONG time), but in the end, it's worth it. you deserve to feel good about yourself, because you are a smart, beautiful woman, no matter what your weight. Listen to your body and honor it. And remember that everyone in the blog world is here for you!
    Sending lots of hugs your way!
    ~Caronae

  4. christie, honoring health says:

    This post is so touching and real. You are not a burden, you are strong for reaching out and expressing these inner most thoughts. That takes courage and really shows where you are in your recovery. We all stumble from time to time but reaching out for help is the difference between moving forward and moving backward. And for that matter, I think when we move backward, it means there is another lesson to learn and that bigger healing is on the horizon.

    {{{HUGS}}} to you.

  5. Meghann says:

    I don't know what to say in situations like this as I have no history to relate with, but I wanted you to know that you are truly amazing and just the growth I have seen in you in the last year has truly been phenomonal. I just wish I was there to give you a big hug.

    I<3 you!

  6. K from ksgoodeats says:

    I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Try to focus on the positives that you typed (your running accomplishments, your great job at work). You are a gorgeous, young woman who shouldn't be going through this. Hang in there! I hope that things look up for you soon and try not to be so hard on yourself!

  7. Krista says:

    Hang strong, Melissa!!!

  8. Jeri says:

    I heart you sweet pea. Let me know if you need to have another walk around the block phone chat. Like I said on twitter, you're gorgeous either way.

  9. itsawrapteacher says:

    These times are especially stressful for me too with everything revolving around food. I recently got really depressed and anxious when my clothes started fitting me tighter. Solution: throw them out ASAP! This way I didn't torture myself anymore. It's a struggle I know and I was so tempted to start restricting again. I had to push through and with the help of my blogger friends I was able to jump over the hurdle. You can do this and never feel like a burden!

  10. Andrea (Off Her Cork) says:

    I am in love and in awe of your honesty. Not many people would be strong enough to put that out there because it does take a strong person to realize the situation and address it. I would love to offer some thoughts of wisdom but all I have is support. I hope that's okay. :)

  11. Mica says:

    I don't know what helpful things to say in this situation, but I think you're doing an admirable job for continuing to look for the positives (family, running, work). Keep on, keepin' on!

  12. Emily says:

    Hey Melissa! I found this post to be brave and refreshingly honest. I think your willingness to share is great – it tells me that you are working to get past your fears about weight gain and stay healthy. You are a wonderful person with so much going for you AND you fuel your body with amazing, fresh, healthy foods (as it deserves). Stay strong and please don't feel like a burden!

  13. balancejoyanddelicias says:

    so sorry to know that you've been feeling that way. i totally understand the feeling, like two conflicting forces to make you feel confused and lost. How to balance out and let the right voice to win? it's time and remind yourself all what you've accomplished with these extra few pounds which is perfect and what your body needs. You look great, you're strong, you're enjoying food, you're having great time with your family, you'll going to see your best friend of 20 years! everything is just fine!!!!
    hope you feel better.
    and you're not a burden of anyway, email me whenever you feel like.
    hugs~~

  14. brandi says:

    (((Hugs))) I know there's really nothing anyone can say to make any of this better, but YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. Not now, not ever.

    Recovery is this huge journey…it doesn't just begin and end. There is so much growth and change that happens, and there will be bad days and bad times, but there is always the other side when you come through it a conquerer. You're on the path – this is just a bump in the road.

  15. Missy says:

    Sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. None of my pants fit from 1 year ago and there are days where I cry and hate myself. There are other days where I think it is fine and realize I am still at a healthy weight. I think it is great that you shared your feelings with us and hopefully the support will help you. I love your blog and would never ever stop reading because of this! No one is perfect. We all struggle so try not to be too down on yourself.

  16. Kailey (SnackFace) says:

    HONEYPIE!!! Aww, you are amazing for posting honestly about this. This alone makes you more beautiful than you could ever know.

    My questions for you are, is a life worried about the size of old pants worth it? And quite morbidly put, what do you want to be remembered for? Your body and physical being, or what you offer to the world, your family, your blog readers? I'm going to go ahead and say the latter part is the better bet. I could care less whether you're the size you were a year ago or the size you are now. What I do care about is the person I've come to know via your words and spirit.

    Anyway, I say live the way that makes you happy. For me, that's not weighing myself, eating what I want when I want, being active and enjoying people around me. Please know that you can talk to me whenever!!! HUGE hugs! xoxoxoxxo

  17. Wondering K says:

    I just wanted to say I think you're awesome, and PLEASE continue to post when you're struggling. Recovery is a long and bumpy path, and reaching out for support is so important. You're a great athlete and you've got a lot going for you with your running and a new job. Please don't let a number take that away from you! Hang in there :)

  18. RunToTheFinish says:

    this is something I have gone through many a time. I think that we all have ups and downs with our bodies…for me I finally decided that I wanted to be happy, so every day I look at my body and say thanks for all the things it does and then i try to be grateful for it exactly as it is….taking some of the stress out of it, then made it easier for me to actually lose weight and maintain without much worry

  19. maggie b says:

    great post! I love your honesty! You do not look to have gained ANY weight in your pictures, do not let it stress you.
    with that being said, i know exactly how you feel! i too am in recovery and feel as though i have gained too much. my pants are not fitting even though i have not gained that many pounds. Why do our bodies do this??/ why is it that our pants that we have not worn in a while not fit?? is it our bodies saying that it was not at its 'happy' weight?? like you, i am running more than ever. we are hungrier. we are building more muscle. our bodies are being put though lots of stress. we cannot restrict. our bodies need the fuel.
    do not worry about a slight incline in a #. you have still been happy, healthy, fit, and having fun!

  20. Faith says:

    Wow – this really, really spoke to me. I have totally been in your shoes and that feeling is the worst. But you know, knowing what is going on shows how much you've learned and grown and how much better you can deal now – and that is so huge. It really is.
    Kailey nailed it with her comment – life is way too short to worry about 'old pants' (love that). Just focus on all the awesome things you are doing and accomplishing and revel in the fact that people love you for it…and thanks for writing what you did. You definitely articulated something I've often felt and wondered if anyone else did too…I don't know anyone else irl who's been through what I have, so the blog world is my rock. Take care of you!

  21. Erin from Long Island says:

    I stumbled upon your blog via oh nuts! and as soon as i read this, i had to reply. I find you very honest and brave! I know how hard it is to be rational when that restrictive voice is screaming at you. however, i also was never able to properly fit into a pair of jeans once i started long distance running. the stronger you get, the bigger your muscles and the heavier you are. Muscle weighs more then fat. I am sure you already know all this in the back of your mind, just don't try to convince yourself you are an exception to the rule. Science is science and you cant argue with it! ; )

  22. Jenna says:

    I'm going to tell you what my husband told me when I had a melt down over my clothes not fitting- this means you can buy more! Now, that wasn't especially helpful, with money situations and whatnot, but he said it in total love, like I say it to you. Now you can go shop! I went and bought one pair of jeans that fit and look good, even though the tag says a number I don't like and its helped. You look fantastic in your pictures!

  23. Lara (Thinspired) says:

    Hi Sweetie! Gosh, I had tears reading this. I know it is so much easier said than done, but I want so badly for you not to let a number get to you like this :( You are just the PICTURE of health and fitness to me…strong, slim, and HEALTHY. Your half and 10K are only PART of what make you so strong and amazing! You have done so much this year. You are awesome and beautiful. That is all I can say <3

    I will be in Sacto as of Saturday. Let me know if you want to meet up!

  24. Lara (Thinspired) says:

    Ok, I wrote this big long comment and it doesn't look like it posted :( Did you get it?

  25. dailygoods says:

    you are NEVER a burden. we are here for your support and when you need it, you have us. You are amazing, beautiful, STRONG, and i know that this is difficult for you. You need to know that you are more than what you weigh. you are worth SO MUCH more than that silly number! Keep your head up, love you!

  26. sweetandfit says:

    I don't know where to begin! I do know that I can definitely emphasize with a lot of what you were talking about. I think getting this "off your chest" will be a huge step in recovery in itself. Honestly, I think that people would be honored if you went to talk/vent to them about this – you ARE NOT a burden, I'm sure people would rather talk to you about it, than have you hold it in. I used to feel like a burden to others at times in the past, but then I realized it was just DE talking =/ you have accomplished so much recently, you have sooooo much to be proud of and thankful for – I really hope you know that (deep down inside!)

  27. Jul says:

    Thank you for having the courage to write this. It's so important to be honest with yourself. I hope you know how much you must mean to your friends and your family, and to the blogging community, too. You are doing amazing things every day! Take pride in your accomplishments, know that there will always be peaks and valleys, and remember that you have a large support network pulling for you.

    And if you ever need anyone to talk to, I know I and many other bloggers are here for you!

  28. jqlee says:

    Like everyone has been saying, at least you are honest with yourself. The thing now is having to decide what makes you happier? Living the life it takes to be "thinner" or living the life you have now? That's what I had to do. I chose life because honestly life is too short to worry about every single pound. You eat healthy, you work out, you have an amazing job/projects! Live your life and find your happiness girl! – however you see fit.

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