Or hold the truth from any of you. I can’t help but bear my soul on this blog. :O
Anyhow…today wasn’t very eventful as I was wracking my poor poor brain with evil and bad thoughts and trying so hard to fight it…I suppose this set of holidays is the first that I’ve actually tried to enjoy the time I have w/ my family and seeing all my other relatives before I leave. I’ve been able to adapt such a better frame of mind as I’ve come to know many of you in the blog community and had all your kind words to help me through tough times. I was doing very well through Christmas Eve and Christmas but today something just clicked and I haven’t been able to think straight. I have seriously been snapping at everyone in my family and it makes me feel horrible that because I’m making myself feel bad about myself, I’m yelling/being mean to other people who have no idea what is going on in my head…the throngs of recovery. I can’t believe I’m still going through this after almost 5+ years.
So yes. Started off today w/ a lite yogurt, cheerios and some blueberries. Fairly boring but flavorful none the less.
Then I headed out to the farmers market w/ my parents and got a few things (hummus, breads, veggies) and gave into the wonderful aroma of the fresh kettle corn stand. I try not to buy this stuff that often because I get very carried away w/ popcorn, of any type, but esp kettle corn. As my dad put it, “it’s your one vice, aside from chocolate.” Well, i bought a pretty decent sized bag and started eating it…telling myself just a few handfuls…but I just kept going as we were walking and talking and then going to check out dryer’s at sears…and i ended up eating 1/2 the f’n bag. Seriously, after I realized this, I wanted to cry. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I tried to keep myself occupied as I went to Border’s with my mom and bought myself Veganomicon with some Christmas money I got, then headed over to Henry’s to stock up on some more fruits and veggies…then came home and finished the recipe post for ya all. I finally decided to have a lunch which in my head was screaming to make it as light as all possible. Damnit. So I had the heal of a ww bread load w/ some hummus, an apple and two carrots. I look at this now and could kick myself.
Then I headed out to vent to myself and walked/ran a bit…well, in total it was 5 miles, ran three, walked two. It felt good yes, but I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was not running with the intention of making myself stronger or as a recovery run from yesterday, but as a shear way of burning calories. yes, that was all i thought of it as: burning cals. Not a nice walk in the cool SoCal air, but the former. DAMNIT. I thought I had gotten rid of that mindset and now it’s starting to creep back…
I got home and helped mom prepare dinner for the family: eggplant parmesan (baked, mine w/o cheese), spaghetti squash w/ salsa, salad w/ lite dressing and two pieces of ww bread. Can you tell my push towards anything lite I could get today?! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG…this is so frustrating.
I decided after dinner to try to keep my mind off all this frustration so I cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. My hands actually hurt I scrubbed so hard. But I realized a few reasons why I might be kicking myself now, and it’s not because of past events like christmas eve and christmas, but anxiety about the events that are to come. I have yet another Christmas celebration coming up on Monday, then my mom’s bday on the 31st, then a big japanese new years party on the 1st, then leaving on the second with 4-5 days of driving and probably no exercise. someone please tell me i’m just stressing over the little time i have with so much stuff to do…because on top of all that i still have to pack and buy more rain-gear and outdoor gear and argggg… I can’t even think straight…
Now I’m off to take a shower and try to get some rest before I spend all of tomorrow participating in a national christmas bird count…I did this last year and had a blast so I hope it’s as good as that…but it was 29F when I woke up this morning at 7, which has me worried since I don’t do well in the cold and this count starts at 7.30…yeep!
Hope you all had a good Saturday. Sorry to be such a downer. I think this is one of the worst days I’ve had in a long while. Please bear with me as I struggle to move past this.