I cannot tell a lie (Frustration Post)

Or hold the truth from any of you.  I can’t help but bear my soul on this blog. :O

Anyhow…today wasn’t very eventful as I was wracking my poor poor brain with evil and bad thoughts and trying so hard to fight it…I suppose this set of holidays is the first that I’ve actually tried to enjoy the time I have w/ my family and seeing all my other relatives before I leave.  I’ve been able to adapt such a better frame of mind as I’ve come to know many of you in the blog community and had all your kind words to help me through tough times.  I was doing very well through Christmas Eve and Christmas but today something just clicked and I haven’t been able to think straight.  I have seriously been snapping at everyone in my family and it makes me feel horrible that because I’m making myself feel bad about myself, I’m yelling/being mean to other people who have no idea what is going on in my head…the throngs of recovery.  I can’t believe I’m still going through this after almost 5+ years.

So yes.  Started off today w/ a lite yogurt, cheerios and some blueberries.  Fairly boring but flavorful none the less.

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Then I headed out to the farmers market w/ my parents and got a few things (hummus, breads, veggies) and gave into the wonderful aroma of the fresh kettle corn stand.  I try not to buy this stuff that often because I get very carried away w/ popcorn, of any type, but esp kettle corn.  As my dad put it, “it’s your one vice, aside from chocolate.”  Well, i bought a pretty decent sized bag and started eating it…telling myself just a few handfuls…but I just kept going as we were walking and talking and then going to check out dryer’s at sears…and i ended up eating 1/2 the f’n bag.  Seriously, after I realized this, I wanted to cry.  I didn’t know what to do with myself.

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I tried to keep myself occupied as I went to Border’s with my mom and bought myself Veganomicon with some Christmas money I got, then headed over to Henry’s to stock up on some more fruits and veggies…then came home and finished the recipe post for ya all.  I finally decided to have a lunch which in my head was screaming to make it as light as all possible.  Damnit.  So I had the heal of a ww bread load w/ some hummus, an apple and two carrots.  I look at this now and could kick myself.

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Then I headed out to vent to myself and walked/ran a bit…well, in total it was 5 miles, ran three, walked two.  It felt good yes, but I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.  I was not running with the intention of making myself stronger or as a recovery run from yesterday, but as a shear way of burning calories.  yes, that was all i thought of it as: burning cals.  Not a nice walk in the cool SoCal air, but the former.  DAMNIT. I thought I had gotten rid of that mindset and now it’s starting to creep back…

I got home and helped mom prepare dinner for the family: eggplant parmesan (baked, mine w/o cheese), spaghetti squash w/ salsa, salad w/ lite dressing and two pieces of ww bread.  Can you tell my push towards anything lite I could get today?!  ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG…this is so frustrating.

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I decided after dinner to try to keep my mind off all this frustration so I cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.  My hands actually hurt I scrubbed so hard.  But I realized a few reasons why I might be kicking myself now, and it’s not because of past events like christmas eve and christmas, but anxiety about the events that are to come.  I have yet another Christmas celebration coming up on Monday, then my mom’s bday on the 31st, then a big japanese new years party on the 1st, then leaving on the second with 4-5 days of driving and probably no exercise.  someone please tell me i’m just stressing over the little time i have with so much stuff to do…because on top of all that i still have to pack and buy more rain-gear and outdoor gear and argggg… I can’t even think straight…

Now I’m off to take a shower and try to get some rest before I spend all of tomorrow participating in a national christmas bird count…I did this last year and had a blast so I hope it’s as good as that…but it was 29F when I woke up this morning at 7, which has me worried since I don’t do well in the cold and this count starts at 7.30…yeep!

Hope you all had a good Saturday.  Sorry to be such a downer.  I think this is one of the worst days I’ve had in a long while.  Please bear with me as I struggle to move past this.

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29 Responses to I cannot tell a lie (Frustration Post)

  1. Laura says:

    It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. I have no doubt you’ll make it through these next few weeks just fine. My grandmother always used the line “this too shall pass” when I was growing up. It’s a little cheesy, but so true! Tomorrow is a new day.

    Have fun at the bird count tomorrow! I hope it’s not too cold!

  2. jenngirl says:

    I really do appreciate your honesty in this post. You don’t know how much of what you said really sounded like an echo of my own actions and thoughts recently. I have been so cruel to family members recently for no reason, I really can’t explain it. But you’re right, it’s part of the struggle in recovery. Our thoughts are not always our own sometimes, and we need to fight to get them back.

    Just know that I am here for you, I know so much is going on right now it seems like nothing it going to ever go right or get back on track, but we must believe that it will! Have a restful night :)

  3. Fitnessista says:

    i’m so sorry to hear that today was such a rough day. hope tomorrow is SO much better! we’re all thinking about you..
    have a wonderful night!

  4. ChickPea says:

    I can totally identify with your day of frustration. Sometimes those old thoughts just creep back, and I get super cranky as a result. I know you’ll be back to your healthy and positive self in no time–hang in there!

  5. Vegetation says:

    Sorry you’re having a tough time of it right now. Hang in there, it will pass! I hope you have a better day tomorrow and good luck and have fun at the bird count!

  6. Sharon says:

    Hang in there. I know what you mean. Try to take things one day at a time. And don’t try to worry too much. Hang in there!

  7. Balance, Joy and Delicias! says:

    really sorry that you had a tough day, especially when you should enjoy most with your family. I know you feel awful acting that like and you blame yourself being like that….but don’t girl! it will stress out you even more. Just LET IT GO!!!
    Think about how wonderful will be the coming days with so many parties and joyful moments with your loved ones! And most importantly, be nice to yourself!
    Take care! Hope you feel better soon!

  8. eatingbender says:

    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling frustrated right now, Melissa. I do think that the multitude of things you have going on would contribute to the stress – it always works that way for me. I bet that once all the moving madness is over, you will feel much better! Until then, we are here for you and feel free to vent as much as you need to!

  9. ŀĀŘ¡ŝ∫Á says:

    hope u feel better!

  10. foodfashionfun says:

    I’m so sory it was such a bad day:( Just think POSITIVE. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you

  11. shelby says:

    Melissa I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I think it is due to the stress of the holidays and that it will pass for sure. You are so much stronger than this and I KNOW you can get through it. Keep thinking positive thoughs and just know that tomorrow will be a better day. Plus you have V’Con now so you have got to get to work on creating those fabulous recipes!!!

  12. VeggieGirl says:

    There’s definitely a lot going on during the holidays that can cause stress and frustrations to reappear – PLEEEEEASE stay strong, Melissa!!! You WILL get through this.

  13. Meg says:

    Sorry you are having a rough time! Sending you hugs. They mentioned a bird count on the radio the other day and I thought of you. Have fun!

  14. ksgoodeats says:

    Sorry to hear you had such a rough day :( Stress can make your brain go a little crazy! Hang in there girlie, we’re all rooting for ya!

  15. strongandhealthy says:

    So sorry to hear you are not doing well. Hang in there!

  16. sarah says:

    aww sweetie, i’m so sorry to hear that it was such a bad day. At least you recognize the warning signs and I KNOW that you’ll get through this. Like everyone has said, we’re all here for you so don’t feel bad at all about venting to us. And I’m sure that all events coming up are causing you extra stress because you’re so busy but try to look at them as exciting things and stay positive. You can do it!

  17. Megan says:

    I’m sorry your having a tough time! The holidays are extremely stressful but you can push through! You’ve been so strong :-D Good Luck with everything, I’m keeping you in my thoughts!

  18. Krista says:

    I’m sorry you had such a tough day. It’s funny how stress and being out of a “normal” routine can shake a person up so much. I hope today is better for you!

  19. ttfn300 says:

    the holidays are stressful, and you’re family is aware of all you’re going through, right? take some deep breaths, get some rest, and explain why things have happenned… they will understand, and better still–they will LOVE you and do anything to help you through this i’m sure!

    enjoy the bird count and things will get better!

  20. imadedinner says:

    ((hugs))
    Just try to get through one day, hour, or even minute at a time… you can do it!

  21. Heather McD (Heather Eats Almond Butter) says:

    Wow, your words are so familiar to me. Please know that you are not alone – I know I have days just like this. I do so well for a long time, and then slip back into an old pattern. I get angry with myself and then take it out on all my loved ones. It’s especially hard during times of transition because I like my routine. I just have to remind myself that I’ll be settled again soon and back to a normal schedule. Do not fret. Sometimes, the road just gets a little bumpy. It will be smooth sailing again before you know it :)

  22. Peanut Butter and Jenny says:

    don’t beat yourself up over this girl! We all have our bad days…It’s nothing to be be ashamed of! It’s just like 50 cents song (haha who knew 50 cent was so wise?!) “Joy wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain”…you won’t get any stronger if you don’t have moments of weakness! try to look at it that way love – and use this struggle and frustration as motivation so you won’t feel this way tomorrow! Stay positive and optimistic love- I’m always here for support if you need it! Thank you for being so honest – I’m sure all of us can relate to at least some of the things you said! YOU’RE NOT ALONE!!!!

  23. Foodie (Fab and Delicious Food) says:

    Hey Melissa, sorry things aren’t going so well, but keep your chin up! You have come so far and are so strong! Hang in there! You’ll be fine!

  24. HangryPants says:

    Thanks for being honest. I am sorry you had such a bad day. I wish I knew what to say to help, but I feel like it’s such a unique situation. We all have ups and downs and tomorrow is a new day. I hope it is sunnier than this day. :D

  25. Bobbi says:

    o sweet melissa, I am so sorry for your frustration. I think that even though we might have struggled with things in the past they are always with us, our goal is not too see them go but to be better then them and kick those things that frustrate us DOWN. Hold your head up, have faith in knowing that this too shall pass, and know that you are loved!

  26. Theresa says:

    I’m not sure if this is helpful, but popcorn isn’t bad for you! Even if it were, it doesn’t hurt to splurge every now and then, especially at this time of year! I hope you get through your stressful time without too much more agonising, and I’m hoping for you that you can just let any stress go. Have a great new year’s eve!

  27. glidingcalm says:

    Aw Melissa! We are here for you!! One step at a time love buggg! You can do it.

    On a bright note… I added you to my bloggy roll!!!! :)

    BIG HUG!

  28. Erin of Care to Eat says:

    You are not a downer. I love you and admire your self-awareness. You are not in denial. I love what Laura said – this will pass. I know it’s frustrating though! You’re doing great – the holidays are rough AND you’re moving and doing the whole shit on top of it all. It’s scary!I really admire you.

  29. magpie says:

    thank you so much for this post. sorry i’m a bit late in reading it; i’m just catching up on everyone’s posts now. i hate snapping at bobby/family because i’m pissed at myself but it happens a lot. sigh. it’s really good to hear how you handled it and that it happens to other people too.

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