Ready to blow…

um yes…my stress is rolling into other fields of past hardship…

i’m very anxious right now.

so, here’s the situation. as many of you have read in previous posts i don’t like to have a scale because the number on it is the devil in my eyes and will inevitably rule my world if i figure it out. well…we have this scale at work and some of the guys were joking if it was accurate or not. they all got on it and proceeded to deem it correct since their weights were spot on and such. then there was the laughter and, “it’s your turn now melissa…how much do you weigh? lets see if it’s right?” i tell them the last number i know from over 4 months ago (yay for me for not weighing myself for that long!) and get pushed on the scale…

then, damn. my heart literally sinks.

it’s different; up to be precise. not by much, but up. and i feel devistated…damnit (i don’t want to feel that way!!!!!).

so then i think about it in my head, but it doesn’t help because i’m simply so mentally weak right now i can’t. i reason out why it could be up (maybe i had just drank some water, had already eaten, needed to pee, etc.), even though my clothes have been getting loser as i’ve been doing more strength training…but unfortunately, the guilt stays.

[[bites nails and pulls hair]]

i don’t know why i have been so weak about this…i’ve been holding back about posting it for a little bit, but i simply can’t take it anymore….

errrr……i’m so frustrated.

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15 Responses to Ready to blow…

  1. VeggieGirl says:

    You’re NOT weak, Melissa – you’re a very strong individual, and you WILL get through this!!! Don’t back down, stay calm, and hang in there!!

  2. Danielle says:

    You’re so much more than a number Melissa! I don’t know you personally but through this blog I have gotten to know the person you are funny, intelligent, determined, compassionate, humble, courageous, and beautiful, inside, and out. You have made so much progress already, you are more than capable of beating this and you deserve to do so. I believe in you, and just look at the comments, I’m not the only one :).

  3. thedesertlife says:

    Your clothes are getting looser and you’re strength training… muscle weighs more than fat.

    Like danielle said, you are so much more than a number.

    Stay strong!

  4. sweetpotato says:

    You are definitely not weak! Stay strong, lady. <3

  5. eatingbender says:

    Boys are so oblivious! Ugh.

    I will echo everyone else: you are not weak. Remember your ability to bring the scale back a few weeks ago? That is not something a weak person would be able to do. Hold onto that strength, chica! I know you can :o)

    Also, as thedesertlife said, muscle ways more than fat. All that really matters is that you FEEL good. If you say your clothes are fitting looser – it’s because you’re getting stronger! Again, NOT the sign of a weak individual!!

    We are always here for you if you need to vent. But also know that we will always remind you that you are one talented and amazing girl!

  6. Foodie (Fab and Delicious Food) says:

    Aw, I’m sorry you are feeling so stressed out. Just remember that the number on the scale is just that, a number. And, weight does tend to fluctuate, so try not to let it get you down.
    Stay strong!

  7. shelby says:

    Oh girl, you are so strong don’t let a silly little number get you down! I know its not a lot coming from me since I do the same thing but you are gorgeous and such an inspiration to me, don’t give up now!! You are also funny, smart, brave, and so beautiful, please don’t let this get to you more than it already has =)

    Stay Strong!

  8. Erica says:

    Don’t be sad- its how you feel not the number the scale reads (I know I know easier said than done). If your clothes feel good and you feel good you are GREAT. Don’t let the number get you down! And your gorgeous with a job that sounds kick ass…you have so much going for you…don’t be stressed by that dumb number!

  9. Aimee says:

    I am sorry you got placed in that weird situation. I also don’t think that seeing a number on a scale will help my day, so i have not weighed myself in two years maybe. I know that the perfectionist in me will say that number isn’t good enough. But honestly it is just a number. Wake up tomorrow as a new day and just forget about it. The small increase might have been water weight, or like everyone else said muscle weight.

    Hang in there!

  10. HangryPants says:

    Melissa, I agree with the others. Look, it takes a lot of strength to be as honest and open about your experiences. A weak person could not do that.

    Cheer up. :)


  11. chandra says:

    Hello there pretty lady ;) I have to echo all of the above comments:

    A. You are NOT weak. Not even close.
    B. If your clothes are getting looser and you’ve been strength training, there is a chance your weight would go up from the muscle weighs more than fat fact.
    C. There are numerous other factors that can make your weight appear higher: If you recently ate or drank very much, extra sodium intake, if it’s that time of the month, etc…

    Just remember you ARE STRONG and no matter what that number says, your clothes are LOOSER!! If you were getting bigger they’d be feeling smaller. :) You’re amazing Melissa, don’t ever let anyone tell you different!

  12. LiLmissGuTs says:

    Hey Girl-
    Keep in mind that weight fluctuates massively, especialy throughout the day! Weighing yourself on one random day, at some random time much less, is hardly accurate of whether you physically have more mass [even if that were a good thing or a negligable amount]. An extra cup of water, salt, poor timing with your last bathroom trip, heavier food/slower to digest, and you’ve got a solid few pounds.

    I know that doesn’t solve the root cause of the anxiety, but at least know from a physiological standpoint that there’s no “weigh” [har har, i know *rollls eyes*] to know real weight trends from one random check.

  13. Simple and Divine says:

    MELISSA!!!! Do NOT give into that voice, baby girl! It’s the voice that does NOT know you. It’s a voice that is STUPID, FOOLISH, and wants nothing but for you to be unhappy. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!

    Melis, baby, you’ve been through SO MUCH in your life, and THAT is how you know that you ARE, in fact, INCREDIBLY STRONG! This little thing? This stupid little tin with a number? It does mean something to you. And that is OKAY! Don’t feel like it is WRONG for you to feel this way. But just know that these feelings are not really yours. They are your negative voice, TRYING to get to you. You are one of the STRONGEST women I *know*, and honestly and truly, you HAVE to, FOR YOU, think about what this number “means” to you. Is it bc you want to hold on to that SMIDGEN of comfort? Whatever the reason may be, know that you are SO MUCH STRONGER than that number and that that number = NOTHING to do with YOU. You = a blessing to all who’ve ever *known* you (in person AND in blogging) and an inspirational marvel for all of us. I love you! Stay strong!!

  14. glidingcalm says:

    I believe in you. :)

  15. just me says:

    Veggiegirl: thank you for believing in me! I’m trying very hard with your kind words!

    Danielle: I really appreciate your words; you seriously had me on the verge of tears with all your charming words…thank you for leaving such a wonderful comment and believing in me!

    Thedesertlife: thank you for commenting! I know I’m not a number…and I’m trying hard to stay strong and believe that!

    Sweetpotato: thanks! <3

    Jenn: I know; I kept reminding myself what I had done in the past but I felt like I had failed after being able to do that before…return the scale I mean. Thank you and everyone else for being here for me and supporting me…I don’t know what I would do w/o all of you!!! And thank you for your kind words!!!

    Foodie: yes, I’m trying to stress the fact that muscle weighs more than fat…but I remember reading somewhere (can’t remember where) that they actually don’t weigh any different…I think that might have discouraged me a little. Oh well…staying strong is what I’m striving for!

    Shelby: don’t think that it’s not a lot coming from you. I know you struggle but I know you know what is right in your heart and your head…there is just that small part of us that can’t get it right. But thank you for thinking of me as an inspiration…that in itself is inspiring to me…to be inspiring to someone else…and you too are a great, smart and fun girl!!! Stay strong w/ me!!!

    Erica: I need to keep that on a post it or something on my mirror to remind myself that every day…that if my clothes feel good and I feel good I am GREAT. Thanks so much…and thanks for the compliments…I really do enjoy my job! Numbers suck!

    Aimee: wow! Two years! That is something I need to strive for!!! And I’m totally like you…the perfectionist in me is what makes it so hard to see the number. But I woke up today stronger with all your guys’ wonderful words!

    Heather: thanks for the cheering up…I know everyone is right…I just need to believe it more and more!

    Chandra: pretty lady to you too! Thank you for your comment…your ideas are totally true and so many of them I hadn’t thought of at the moment that are totally in effect…like drinking lots of water at the office, it being that time of the month, etc. thanks again! YOU are amazing too!

    Lilmissguts: thank you so much for the comment! I know you’re right…and I loved the unintentional pun…hahaha!

    Julz: ah honey…I love your comment. You never cease to make me smile. and you are so right in all that you’ve said…I think I’ve had that number for so long and if it were to change and go over I would feel like a failure…and it gives me comfort that I can control something like that…my weight. But, I know, as you all do, that I’m better than that number…

    Glidingcalm: thanks. You rock!

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